That's how the saying goes

When one door closes, another one opens.

That's how the saying goes anyways. What happens when we lose the key...when the plans change, because they do without fair warning, where do even look to find it? We pray and we ask, we might even scream. Why in the world would You close that door? Because He knew I never would. I need an answer for everything. It's how I learn. It's how I move on, how I become a better nurse... It's just what I need. The fear of the unknown is a real thing. Especially for this girl. I'm a literal person. That grey area people tend to live in isn't for me. My brain rarely shuts off and too much could be left for confusion. That's a definite fault. I have those too. So when one door closes another door will open. It's only a matter of when and if you have enough faith to trust in His timing. See, a few days ago I asked...I said, God why would you close that door? Simple as that. My answer wasn't something I had been looking for. I decided to pursue it because I knew if that was a new door opening then I wouldn't turn my back on what God was trying to show me. Not this time. I have so many times before, maybe a lot of us have. Throughout this whole house buying thing, I've asked God if this is the path He was leading me down. I know that if it wasn't He would stop it at any point because there would be something so much better. Why I can't trust in His timing for other things, I'm not so sure...but I am learning. Right now, a new door has opened and I'm anxious and I'm excited to see where it might lead me. The hardest part in all of this is trusting Him everyday, not just on the good ones. Like I said, I have faults and I'm by no means perfect. Everyday is an inner struggle searching for those answers. But each day that I give it to God, I'm reminded that life will go on & I better be ready.

Chapter 37

I have my second test Monday. I am sitting here studying. I am highlighting, reading, making mental notes, re-reading, and getting pen marks all over my hand in the process. After all, I am a lefty, and everything smudges. This is the least of my worries. This is the last thing my over crowded brain is trying to sort through. I am always working my schedule around, well school. Working it around studying, planning to study, clinicals, the interview stream I still have yet schedule, must have practice tests, and one portfolio. So there isn't much working around anything. Right now, this is my schedule. This is my life for at least a few more months. Most days I have grown to accept the challenges, the sacrifices, the struggles. I have grown to take them in stride, one big step at a time. I have learned to accept them, and never regret them. I have learned that everything could be so much worse, so I have learned to be thankful.  However, we aren't taught exactly how to deal with all of this. We think we are, but we aren't. Maybe I am just speaking for me. Yes, I was taught we must work for what we need, it will not always be handed to us, and I was taught you may not always get what you want. I was taught to keep my head held high and to never give up. I was taught that I could do anything that I put my mind to, and I would always have the support right beside me. However, there isn't a class in elementary, middle, or high school that teaches us about heartache, suffering, and life in general. Those huge moments can only be taught by lessons learned, good or bad. I have had my share of all three. I know I have many more to learn. I am nervous, anxious, terrified, but excited. I hate the ideas that I often think of when I think about my future and how it hasn't fallen the way I had always dreamed. We want so bad for certain things to be right, when the whole time we forget to see how wrong it really is. We get lost in the comfortable. We get used to what has become of it all, and we lose what it actually should be. It should be right. We shouldn't have to justify, we should just know. I don't know. I know that somedays I wish I could be finished with school 2 months ago. However, that was never my option. I wanted it to be. I even wrote it in a few calendars, but it was never my plan. My plan is right now. My plan I am still trying to grasp. My plan I am still trying to decipher. And my plan I am still trying to carry out. So as I sit here and read this chapter in this book that I have read for the one millionth time (no exaggerations, we have used this same book for four semesters) I will continue to wonder, to dream, to cry, to pray. I will continue to sacrifice. I will continue on this journey. My journey. 

"A penny for your thoughts...

Oh no, Ill see 'em for a dollar. " - perry.

I have realized some of posts have been a little on the downer side.

For starters my blog is a big vent for me. I love writing, and although I will not major in writing,  English, or journalism, I will always love writing venting. Sometimes your pen and paper, or in my case, my notepad on my cellphone, are my only out. Its too hard to explain the entire situation (whatever it might be). So I vent. And that is why here lately my posts haven't been extremely positive. I wear my heart on my sleeves, my expression slap dab on my face, and my mood is exactly what I am feeling. I have yet to figure out if that is a  good or bad quality, but I do know that is how God made me. So it must be okay.

I have also learned here lately that my God should be my only biggest influence. I'm not saying everyone is else wrong, I am just saying He is the only one who knows what is best. So of course that makes Him my best influence. Sure my family are great influences as well, but when it comes down to the nitty gritty, its me and God. And God trusts me to make that final decision. And I trust in Him as well.

Of course I take my family and friend's advice into consideration. I would be crazy not too, but in certain situations the influences are just too much too handle. And when you let other people influence your decisions then you have given up your right of being a strong individual. You have given that right to someone else, and the whole world just starts taking its turn rolling you over. Altogether, it makes things way more complicated than it should have been in the first place. I am sure I am a pretty passive person. But I also know that peer pressure or wrong influences aren't the best ideas.

I think when it gets too complicated and you have too many voices going through your head, then you lose what the real situation was all about to begin with. So you have to just step back and only trust in yourself and in God. Ill give it up to God. Because at the end of the day, He really is the best influence.