Thursday, February 24, 2011
I have my second test Monday. I am sitting here studying. I am highlighting, reading, making mental notes, re-reading, and getting pen marks all over my hand in the process. After all, I am a lefty, and everything smudges. This is the least of my worries. This is the last thing my over crowded brain is trying to sort through. I am always working my schedule around, well school. Working it around studying, planning to study, clinicals, the interview stream I still have yet schedule, must have practice tests, and one portfolio. So there isn't much working around anything. Right now, this is my schedule. This is my life for at least a few more months. Most days I have grown to accept the challenges, the sacrifices, the struggles. I have grown to take them in stride, one big step at a time. I have learned to accept them, and never regret them. I have learned that everything could be so much worse, so I have learned to be thankful. However, we aren't taught exactly how to deal with all of this. We think we are, but we aren't. Maybe I am just speaking for me. Yes, I was taught we must work for what we need, it will not always be handed to us, and I was taught you may not always get what you want. I was taught to keep my head held high and to never give up. I was taught that I could do anything that I put my mind to, and I would always have the support right beside me. However, there isn't a class in elementary, middle, or high school that teaches us about heartache, suffering, and life in general. Those huge moments can only be taught by lessons learned, good or bad. I have had my share of all three. I know I have many more to learn. I am nervous, anxious, terrified, but excited. I hate the ideas that I often think of when I think about my future and how it hasn't fallen the way I had always dreamed. We want so bad for certain things to be right, when the whole time we forget to see how wrong it really is. We get lost in the comfortable. We get used to what has become of it all, and we lose what it actually should be. It should be right. We shouldn't have to justify, we should just know. I don't know. I know that somedays I wish I could be finished with school 2 months ago. However, that was never my option. I wanted it to be. I even wrote it in a few calendars, but it was never my plan. My plan is right now. My plan I am still trying to grasp. My plan I am still trying to decipher. And my plan I am still trying to carry out. So as I sit here and read this chapter in this book that I have read for the one millionth time (no exaggerations, we have used this same book for four semesters) I will continue to wonder, to dream, to cry, to pray. I will continue to sacrifice. I will continue on this journey. My journey.