The Sun is Rising

"Change is never easy. You fight to hold on & you fight to let go"

I've thrown myself into so many new changes lately searching for some sort of new normal that I forget exactly what I am searching for. I run daily to de-stress & stay in shape although I hate running. I left the most amazing job ever to work Monday - Friday even though I promised myself I'd never be a normal working girl and I own the cutest house on the block that I share with my pups, although I never imagined this journey alone. So halfway through my mental breakdown a couple of weeks ago I realized how badly I wanted my old normal back. A normal that made me happy, kept me semi stress free & promised me a future that I couldn't wait to start. It was a also a normal that was taken so abruptly I still forget that it even happened. I haven't forgotten it really, I live it daily. I just often wonder why it was all taken from me. We pray for God to make these changes and to steer us onto the path that He has chosen for us, but emotionally I feel like I'm in a tornado. My devotional tells me daily to have faith, and to never lose hope,  that everything happens in God's perfect timing. I'm just unsure where I fit into any of it. We wonder how long we have to walk blind in this storm until we find that ending we are searching for. As I sit here and write this my favorite song starts to play. I think it comes on at all the right times. 

"Whatever you're facing

If your heart is breaking

There's a promise for the ones who just hold on

Lift up your eyes and see

The sun is rising."

I doubt daily. I cry often but pray continuously. Somedays are better than others and somedays down right suck. The more I push myself into something new the more every ounce of the rest of me wants to fight it. I hate change but my old normal is long gone. I just have to remind myself that something grander is on it's way and I need to thank God for all the blessings that I do have. No matter how bad our days might be, tomorrow will come and the sun will rise again. 

Be still

I'm not sure if I'll ever learn that I can't control things, because plans will change. I've recently started reading the devotional, Jesus Calling. I love that everyday it speaks exactly what I need to hear whether I want to hear it or not. I read it, but do I really soak in the words? Sometimes I do, and sometimes I still have a hard time trusting in those devotions. Trust has become increasingly hard lately. With each let down, it's another lost hope. It's another plan that's been broken. This house stuff is absolutely one of the most stressful things I've ever done and I chose to do it. Each day when you think you're almost to the end, something changes that we have zero control over. So many things and people and pieces of paper go into this whole process and I only know one side. I don't always trust the process but that means I don't trust in God and that makes me feel horrible. In all the chaos and life changes, He has never changed and never faulted. Today's devotional couldn't have been more on point. This life isn't scattered although I like to act like it is and the more I realize that the closer I'll be to a life of contentment with God. That's a life to love and a trust I pray for daily. I really think May is going to be a grand month and I'm looking forward to it. I hope you all are too! Happy May Day! 

Today is the day

My mom said to set a date. Set a date to say today is the day. Today is the day that you won't look back. Everyone deserves time to grieve and be bitter and cry. Some a little longer than others, but if we make a habit out of it then we are just letting something control us that we have no control over. Now what good comes from that? Absolutely nothing. We have no control. We gave it all to God. He closed this door we thought we would have opened for forever because He has something grander in mind. I might still be impatiently waiting, but I'm sure the wait will be worth it. Is it fair, probably not. But life's not fair and that's a whole other blog entry in general. So today is my day. After today, I'm to leave my past exactly where it belongs and I'm to wake up every single day with a better mindset than the day before. Hard? Well that's an understatement. But if I keep living this woe is me life, then I'm giving all the power to someone who doesn't deserve it. Today I'm taking everything I have left and I'm leaving on a jet plane. I'm saying so long to that chapter and I'm starting a new one. Today I get to see my brother and sister in law and spend the next five days with my best friends in Texas. Of course I'll be back, but not back where everything went so wrong. I'll be back and then I'll be closing on my very own home and I'll get to start a new chapter... a chapter with blank pages with a fresh new book smell, that's a smell to love. Or maybe it's the smell of a brand new home. Either way, today is the day to never look back, because it only brings me down. Today is for me and I couldn't be more excited to see where it takes me. So long Alabama. I'll see ya soon.

Letting it go.

God teaches us to give Him our burdens. We are told to let go and let God. I think it's easier said than done. We are also taught our whole lives to fight for what we believe in, stand up for what we feel in our heart to be the truth. This is where it gets tricky. Do we fight, or do we let it go? If we do let it go, how in the world do we even do that? That is something that I have been struggling with lately. Letting it go... not fighting and giving it all to God. Fighting for what you love when you're the only one fighting is a tough battle, a battle that will most likely not end in your favor. Maybe it doesn't end the way we have it planned because it's not in God's plans. His plans are far greater, although my patience level tends to steer towards doing it all myself. I've been following along with another blogger in her "I'm ok, 30 days to becoming content where you are." She has some wonderful advice and lots of scriptures that have helped in these trying times. 

She writes, "The truth is majority of the time we just want God to magically fix everything without having to endure the refining process... But, where is His glory revealed in that? First of all, we’re not worthy of that and second, I take comfort in knowing He disciplines those He loves. In the discipline we find ourselves curled up at His feet, feeding on His every truth."

Especially here lately I feel that I have had no answers and it's a constant battle that I'm not so sure I can withstand. God sees it totally different. One of my best friends sent me a quote, "When you are down to nothing, God is up to something." Everyday I cling to those words. Everyday I pray that today will be a new day for me to find comfort in His plans, because mine are no good anyways. I'm not alone in my fight because today I will give it to God to fight it for me.

Click on the link below to follow along with her. You won't be disappointed. 

Loving the brokenhearted

It's so easy to knock people when they're down. We kick them while it hurts, and all too often we just aren't aware of their inner battles. I'm sure I've written about this before. But it's a new day, a new time and I'm just not sure my role in any of it. Like I said, it is easy to complain or nag but it's not for us to judge. We are here to love and encourage. Maybe even steer a little, whatever the case may be. Everyone has made mistakes & everyone has their moments when they're stuck. I've been stuck many of times. I've blogged about the majority of them. Nursing school, moving, relationships, friendships, everything.  Then once in a blue moon we are on the other side of that rut. How we handle these things isn't how everyone else handles things, what we do just isn't made for anyone. I'm a crier. Sometimes retail therapy works, writing, and lots of alone time does the trick. Some things we will never rid ourselves of because of our decisions. Those consequences, well they like to follow us around. It's how we deal with them that makes us the people we become. This time it's not about me. Loving the brokenhearted isn't easy, but in the end it's the best option we have. They may push and they may pull but I think that's when they need us more than ever. We might not have the right words to say or ideas to help them heal, but we have love. We know we can pull them in tight, literally or figuratively, and we can pray that whatever happens will be the best for them. We can love them wholeheartedly. We can expect nothing in return, only that their heart is healed. Sometimes I can be a bit selfish, but this isn't about my needs or my wants. It's about those we love the most.

pinterest

Bittersweet

We often pray for miracles, for God to perform these tasks that we humans are incapable of performing. We pray that His hands do the impossible. Because with Him, all things are possible. We wish for peace on earth, hunger to end, and for there to be a cure for cancer. These are wishes my God has granted for years and years. He has performed these miracles, and He will continue to do many more. However, it is also seen all too often that God's plans are greater than ours and His miracles are far better. We may not see a wife losing her life to cancer as a miracle, but I do think God sees it as one. He has just gained the most beautiful angel and she is no longer fighting the demon that is cancer. In His eyes, she won the battle. Just maybe not as we down here would like to believe. I guess that is just the selfishness in us all. In God's eyes He granted what we all prayed for. He took her cancer away and He set her free. It may take some many years to see it in such a way that God intends us to see it, but I am certain He will never leave our side as those struggle to find the answers. Cancer is an ugly battle and I can only hope and pray that one day there is a cure. God's miracles are never ending. Please keep the Davis family in your thoughts and prayers as they now begin a different journey. May God wrap His arms around them all.

12 for 2012.

Have you seen this?

What a strong strong man. He has my vote!

and THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

that is what someone near and dear told me tonight. they didn't say it because i got a bangin' new do. yes, that is right. see this curly hair of mine has two looks, short or long. with a little tapering action every now and then. im pretty boring because i am never one for change or out of the box type of things. throws me out of my comfort zone and into a tizzy, an anxious mess. im just not an on the spot, need an answer right now sort of person. unless it is clothes of course. im an impulse buyer to say the least. however, i have been known to walk around one store numerous of times with one item, have myself talked into buying one sans item, then putting it back, and running out the door. so maybe i do weigh the pros and cons, maybe i do have some sort of rationalization, sometimes. but with my hair, im a rationalizer, a keep it simple, don't stray from the ordinary, i like it like this and not like that kindof person. this doesn't mean i have wants and ideas for my curly headed mess, i just usually will not follow through with them. simple as that. however, tonight, i had a picture of a cute little do that i hoped would look fab on me. sure, i have cut my hair this length before, and sure i have a had a few tapered layers, but no where near those cute little swooshy side bangs. i pretend to have them, courtesy of a bobby pin, but really i don't. NOT ANYMORE FOLKS. i have partial side bangs. or that is a term i will use. to some not too drastic, to me a life changing moment. almost, well not really but sort of. my hair. my nappy curly mop of a hair do lay on the ground, and i have partial side bangs. what is a girl to do? okay wait just a minute. it isn't that drastic, but its a difference. its not that big of deal, but its a change that hasn't sunk in just yet. and they don't look half bad after i got my lovely straightener after them. so im okay, i will be okay, and this too shall pass. however, that strong 5 word statement was not intended for my superficial new do, it was because someone is actually losing their hair. not because of old age, or because of a new picture they saw in a magazine, or even because the scissors came finding them. but because their body can no longer withstand the demons of chemotherapy. and you know what. they are a-okay. why? because it is JUST HAIR. its not who we are, it isn't who we know, its just part of our appearance. sure, i might know this person because their do always looks fab and since i have known them it has never been less than superb. not to mention, they do hair for a living. so of course one of the things i always think about when they come to mind is their hair, so to know that it is slowly coming out is a big change. is that weird? is that crazy? or odd? or too superficial? i hope not, because it is just how i know them, and to see them in a different light because they are suffering, well it is sad. it is rather heartbreaking. although they weren't much concerned with the hair coming out with each slight movement of fingers through it, i could feel the concern. i could see the sadness. maybe because everyone knows what that means. everyone knows that something is wrong. and everyone assumes the worse. but it is just hair. how can something so superficial mean something so big. because it is a change that means something far deeper than just seeing someone without their usual do. it is a change that the whole world knows. and it is a change that im not ready face. another selfish moment. because this isn't my battle to fight. i can only encourage, be there, and know that someone far greater than me is IN CONTROL. no matter the outcome.  whoa, i think i am rambling. i just felt so very selfish for being so taken aback by my new do, that i didn't even take the time to think that some people would be praising the Lord for it. and this too shall pass had nothing to do with the hair, but everything to do with overcoming this mountain as a family. and we will, because this too shall pass.

image

image

"A penny for your thoughts...

Oh no, Ill see 'em for a dollar. " - perry.

I have realized some of posts have been a little on the downer side.

For starters my blog is a big vent for me. I love writing, and although I will not major in writing,  English, or journalism, I will always love writing venting. Sometimes your pen and paper, or in my case, my notepad on my cellphone, are my only out. Its too hard to explain the entire situation (whatever it might be). So I vent. And that is why here lately my posts haven't been extremely positive. I wear my heart on my sleeves, my expression slap dab on my face, and my mood is exactly what I am feeling. I have yet to figure out if that is a  good or bad quality, but I do know that is how God made me. So it must be okay.

I have also learned here lately that my God should be my only biggest influence. I'm not saying everyone is else wrong, I am just saying He is the only one who knows what is best. So of course that makes Him my best influence. Sure my family are great influences as well, but when it comes down to the nitty gritty, its me and God. And God trusts me to make that final decision. And I trust in Him as well.

Of course I take my family and friend's advice into consideration. I would be crazy not too, but in certain situations the influences are just too much too handle. And when you let other people influence your decisions then you have given up your right of being a strong individual. You have given that right to someone else, and the whole world just starts taking its turn rolling you over. Altogether, it makes things way more complicated than it should have been in the first place. I am sure I am a pretty passive person. But I also know that peer pressure or wrong influences aren't the best ideas.

I think when it gets too complicated and you have too many voices going through your head, then you lose what the real situation was all about to begin with. So you have to just step back and only trust in yourself and in God. Ill give it up to God. Because at the end of the day, He really is the best influence.