The Sun is Rising

"Change is never easy. You fight to hold on & you fight to let go"

I've thrown myself into so many new changes lately searching for some sort of new normal that I forget exactly what I am searching for. I run daily to de-stress & stay in shape although I hate running. I left the most amazing job ever to work Monday - Friday even though I promised myself I'd never be a normal working girl and I own the cutest house on the block that I share with my pups, although I never imagined this journey alone. So halfway through my mental breakdown a couple of weeks ago I realized how badly I wanted my old normal back. A normal that made me happy, kept me semi stress free & promised me a future that I couldn't wait to start. It was a also a normal that was taken so abruptly I still forget that it even happened. I haven't forgotten it really, I live it daily. I just often wonder why it was all taken from me. We pray for God to make these changes and to steer us onto the path that He has chosen for us, but emotionally I feel like I'm in a tornado. My devotional tells me daily to have faith, and to never lose hope,  that everything happens in God's perfect timing. I'm just unsure where I fit into any of it. We wonder how long we have to walk blind in this storm until we find that ending we are searching for. As I sit here and write this my favorite song starts to play. I think it comes on at all the right times. 

"Whatever you're facing

If your heart is breaking

There's a promise for the ones who just hold on

Lift up your eyes and see

The sun is rising."

I doubt daily. I cry often but pray continuously. Somedays are better than others and somedays down right suck. The more I push myself into something new the more every ounce of the rest of me wants to fight it. I hate change but my old normal is long gone. I just have to remind myself that something grander is on it's way and I need to thank God for all the blessings that I do have. No matter how bad our days might be, tomorrow will come and the sun will rise again. 

Good changes.

Some days I feel like I'm in over my head with this whole house thing. I saved for months but I don't think you can really prepare yourself for every expense if you're a first timer like me. Unless, of course, you have unlimited funds.... I do not. I wanted to buy a house because I needed to feel some sort of normalcy. Moving every year was getting old & I wanted to call somewhere home. I've always had a roof over my head but nowhere has felt like home since we moved from the house I grew up in. Now I have it and even still, I'm like what did I get myself into? I prayed daily throughout the whole process for God to stop it if it wasn't for me. Turns out, just the opposite happened. Long story short, one of the dogwood trees in my front yard came from a seedling transplant from a church I grew up going to (that is now closed). Although I hate so much needing the reassurance, because so much had changed, God  knew all along. He just saw my plans a little differently.

Oh I have a new job too. I loved working in CICU. I really never put much thought into anything different. My coworkers are like family, picking me up at my weakest moments. However, I prayed & God led me in a different direction. I asked that if He was going to close these doors I thought would be open for forever then I needed to know why & where He wanted me to be. The next day I was approached & I decided to run with it. I know most of us were approached for this job, but the timing was pretty spot on & I didn't want to miss this new opportunity. Fast forward a few weeks to this past week, & I officially started my new job in the cath lab. I'm still not sure why He led me in this direction but I know my nursing knowledge will expand so much. So often I hold onto what I know in fear of any change, but these new changes couldn't have come at a better time. 

Now, every morning I get to sit outside, do a little reading and hang with the pups before work. Each day I am reminded just how awesome our God really is. All the time. 

Today is the day

My mom said to set a date. Set a date to say today is the day. Today is the day that you won't look back. Everyone deserves time to grieve and be bitter and cry. Some a little longer than others, but if we make a habit out of it then we are just letting something control us that we have no control over. Now what good comes from that? Absolutely nothing. We have no control. We gave it all to God. He closed this door we thought we would have opened for forever because He has something grander in mind. I might still be impatiently waiting, but I'm sure the wait will be worth it. Is it fair, probably not. But life's not fair and that's a whole other blog entry in general. So today is my day. After today, I'm to leave my past exactly where it belongs and I'm to wake up every single day with a better mindset than the day before. Hard? Well that's an understatement. But if I keep living this woe is me life, then I'm giving all the power to someone who doesn't deserve it. Today I'm taking everything I have left and I'm leaving on a jet plane. I'm saying so long to that chapter and I'm starting a new one. Today I get to see my brother and sister in law and spend the next five days with my best friends in Texas. Of course I'll be back, but not back where everything went so wrong. I'll be back and then I'll be closing on my very own home and I'll get to start a new chapter... a chapter with blank pages with a fresh new book smell, that's a smell to love. Or maybe it's the smell of a brand new home. Either way, today is the day to never look back, because it only brings me down. Today is for me and I couldn't be more excited to see where it takes me. So long Alabama. I'll see ya soon.

That's how the saying goes

When one door closes, another one opens.

That's how the saying goes anyways. What happens when we lose the key...when the plans change, because they do without fair warning, where do even look to find it? We pray and we ask, we might even scream. Why in the world would You close that door? Because He knew I never would. I need an answer for everything. It's how I learn. It's how I move on, how I become a better nurse... It's just what I need. The fear of the unknown is a real thing. Especially for this girl. I'm a literal person. That grey area people tend to live in isn't for me. My brain rarely shuts off and too much could be left for confusion. That's a definite fault. I have those too. So when one door closes another door will open. It's only a matter of when and if you have enough faith to trust in His timing. See, a few days ago I asked...I said, God why would you close that door? Simple as that. My answer wasn't something I had been looking for. I decided to pursue it because I knew if that was a new door opening then I wouldn't turn my back on what God was trying to show me. Not this time. I have so many times before, maybe a lot of us have. Throughout this whole house buying thing, I've asked God if this is the path He was leading me down. I know that if it wasn't He would stop it at any point because there would be something so much better. Why I can't trust in His timing for other things, I'm not so sure...but I am learning. Right now, a new door has opened and I'm anxious and I'm excited to see where it might lead me. The hardest part in all of this is trusting Him everyday, not just on the good ones. Like I said, I have faults and I'm by no means perfect. Everyday is an inner struggle searching for those answers. But each day that I give it to God, I'm reminded that life will go on & I better be ready.

Hair today, gone tomorrow

But not in a Nair kind of way.

I have never used Nair. I have super sensitive skin so can't even begin to imagine the kind of damage that would do to my already bothersome skin problems. But not nearly the damage chemotherapy does to those loved ones of ours fighting the battle. Cancer. It just isn't fair. Sure it is killing those cancer cells and ultimately healing the cancer, but does it have to take their hair too? Maybe that's just the price to pay. I can't speak for anyone in regards to this. I can't say at least it's not something else. Hair is a big deal. I complain about mine on a weekly daily basis, but I would be devastated without it. It is such a security blanket, and the thought of going without, well that should never cross our minds. I've spoken about this before. Right here. And I have said it is just hair, it should not define who we are, but it does let the world know that our battles are probably greater than theirs and it puts us in a much more vulnerable position. Not because we let it, but because everyone knows what it means, what it stands for. I can't say don't let it define you. I am grateful to have never had that weighing on my mind. But it does to millions of people every single day. It does to those closest to us. It does to one very special lady. We wish we could take those added burdens away, but we can't. However, we can pray with all we have and give it all to God, because one day it will come back just as beautiful as before. And that it will, because the battle might temporarily take our hair, but only for a moment. Most changes are scary changes. Big or small. Long or short. We just can't stop praying and we won't.

Born and Raised

Oh Johnny. Have you heard his new album? It is just delightful... Born and Raised. It isn't just the name of the album, but also names my most favorite song.

Now and then I pace my place
I can't retrace how I got here
I cheat the light to check my face
It's slightly harder than last year

Then all at once it gets hard to take
It gets hard to fake what I won't be
Cause one of these days I'll be born and raised
And it's such a waste to grow up lonely

I still have dreams, they're not the same
They don't fly as high as they used to
I saw my friend, he's in my head
And he said, "You don't remember me, do you?"

Then all at once it gets hard to take
It gets hard to fake what I won't be
Cause one of these days I'll be born and raised
And it's such a waste to grow up lonely

I still got time, I still got faith
I call on both of my brothers
I got a mom, I got a dad
But they do not have each other

So ride on up, take your place
And show your face to the morning
Cause one of these days you'll be born and raised
And it all comes on without warning

Plans change, people too, but life goes on.

I read a book last summer and it read the most perfect paragraph. We could make a big bowl of ice cream, crank up the John Mayer, but the sun is going to set and rise each and everyday. Well, it didn't say John Mayer, but it did mention something about ice cream and the sun. Then one day you'll wake up and your life has flashed before your eyes. Maybe not literally of course, but it really does feel like it. We set goals, we make plans, we meet mountains then everything changes. It changes because we allow it to. We decide those paths are just too tough, so we make a bee line for the quickest exit and our dreams aren't nearly as hard to reach, so life goes on.  Let's just take it from John Mayer. He says it pretty perfectly. One of these days, you'll be born and raised and it all comes on without warning.

Now What

I decided to go back to my original title. L is for Lindsey. I will say that I love all of Ashley's blogs and I was so happy she was able to design one for me. I would recommend her to everyone. However, I really wanted to go back to the original. I loved The Girl in Blue, but I am not just a nurse, and I wanted to just be Lindsey again. This time around Lula made my blog and I love it just as much! She also does wonderful blogs so check them both out for your next blog make over!

So now what?

When I was getting ready to graduate from nursing school, I felt like this whole life thing would magically fall into place. It must be that dreamer in me. I love nursing. I have said that too many times to count. But I would be lying if I said I love my job. It is overwhelming, stressful, non stop, and only somewhat of what I expected. When we did clinicals in nursing school we only got a fourth of the actual effect of everything that we would encounter. Then in less than 6 weeks we were on our own. A brand new world handed to us in a single motion. We were thrown into a pack of hungry wolves and they were waiting for us to fail. I will not fail. Well, that isn't true. I can fail. I am sure I have. So sure my job is overwhelming and all of those other things, but I have learned a great deal. I have learned to be tough, and to not be such a push over. I have learned that I have much more patience than I ever realized, and I have learned that I still wear my emotions on my navy blue scrub sleeves. I have learned that I chose the absolute greatest profession to be my career and I have learned that I have endless opportunities. 

But I'm stuck.

 I think I am so anxiously awaiting what WILL happen that I can hardly enjoy what is happening NOW.  So now what? I will once again put all of the day dreams to the side and live this life in the moment. Or I will at least do my very best. I am more than grateful for everything that has happened this year. A year that is ALMOST over! Next year will be even better, for now, I will live for today.

SIGH

this is how i feel. minus the pen and paper, of course. i would say most work weeks are pretty draining, so it wouldn't be anything new. luckily, for the most part, i do love being a nurse. i haven't spoken much about working since i started. i thought this life would settle down, but it is still pretty crazy. i'm not complaining though. i have tons of options within nursing, so i know i have plenty of opportunities if ever the time comes when i need a change. so far the good has most definitely outweighed the bad. the thank yous, the compliments, and the unspoken moments have far out shined the skipped lunches (because time would not permit), the days without sitting, and the hundreds of times a day I hear my name being called. Yes, I promise you, the goods do outweigh these not so fun days at work. i asked a co worker today if she was having a good day, and she said something to the effect of, of course, because every day is a blessed day. i don't know what she takes in the morning, but i would like some of that. we continued talking, and she said there is no sense in worrying about what we can't change, because it can't be changed. She said just push it to the side and let it go. hearing that was definitely what this girl needed today. i think i need to remind myself that all day everyday. i will work on this. how is your week going? happy thursday everyone!

You can't fix a disaster in a day...

 this is an actual picture from the tornado on april 27.

As I was driving through one of the tornado stricken towns yesterday morning, I saw houses still left to be finished. I saw work trucks lining the roads, debris in piles on empty, lifeless lots. I drove past construction workers who are still rebuilding, still working, still repaving a community that's in shambles. How long will this take? It's already been 3 months. We could set a time limit but would just end up setting ourselves up for a big let down, or we could do it day by day with no goal or ending in sight. This disaster will not be fixed in a day. It might take some a lifetime to rebuild their homes and memories, while some may never feel whole again. Yet, we still put a timeline on what we think is acceptable. We still expect this world to move on from a past and rebuild a future, when all they want is their past back. In the nursing lingo, that time of grieving is excessive, so we say suck it up, move on, or we will slap the crazy card on you.  We can not rebuild towns in a day, so why must we expect to rebuild relationships, broken promises, or lost loves in a timely manner too? Who made this limit? Who created this expectation? But maybe, just maybe if it were supposed to work in the past then we wouldn't have this to deal with in the first place. So say you do. How long do we get until it's healed? One day, one month, or maybe never? Then we are left with a past that we just can't get passed. Unlike the tornado, this came tumbling down over weeks and months. It didn't strike just one day. Maybe that would make gathering the pieces a little less complicated. So shouldn't we get more time to fix the wounds? When is it time to slap a gauze on it, a little normal saline, add lots a tape, and let it heal on it's on? From of the looks of it, that takes time, but no one is that patient with their time. Believe me. Maybe it's unrepairable, but who am I to judge? I often find myself reliving a past that I may never get passed. This town will not be rebuilt any time soon, and I'm not sure if this past will either.

My sob story

In one of the last post I used the words, "I'm happy." Let me start by saying that I am. I am very much happy that I have finished school, no longer have to fully rely on my parents for financial help, can go to bed without worrying about passing a test, have a great family, super supportive friends, and this chapter is only beginning. Maybe, I should say I am thankful. I am more thankful than ever to be on this path. I think. Hope I didn't just shoot myself in the foot with that statement. I know each path is different, and I will follow my path just as I am told. I will do it whole heartedly, and I will trust in the Lord with all that I have. But let me just tell you that this chapter wasn't what I had written as a little bushy haired, green eyed girl growing up. Nope. We all know how I thought it played out. I will say I didn't think I would be starting this particular journey alone. Moving into a new home or apartment, just me, myself, and my most faithful companion, Tallulah. I love being a big girl, but never stopped to think I would be a big girl all by myself, and who knows how long this chapter will last. One day, one week, one year. I hope I don't sound like I am complaining. I can be big and tough and tell you that I am strong and independent and need no one to share this journey with. But that, my friends, is a big fat lie. I am not big nor tough. That lesson I learned at work just one week ago. "Lindsey, you must grow thicker skin." I guess we will never please everyone, no matter how many times we ask if there is anything else we can do, or how many more smiles we give. We just can't help those who don't want to be helped. We can however, grow thicker skin while trying to do so, because there really are mean people in this world. I am learning. I might act strong and independent, but I want more than anything to share my happiness with someone else. And I know that I will. I will also become stronger and more independent while doing so. I have learned that we cannot fight for those who will not fight back, and we must move on from the demons holding us back if we have any hope at a bright new future. Let me just tell you since I am rambling, I have a past as colorful as they come. For a very long time it held me back. Some days I am sure it still does. However, in the last few months I was able to close a chapter I never thought would close. I was forgiven for a choice that should be unforgivable, and in turn, I was able to forgive myself and move on. I don't talk much about the life right after high school, and I am not going to start. I will say that the person I was back then doesn't deserve to be where this girl is. I often battle with myself over those decisions, although I know there is no going back. But like I said, I was forgiven, and I am slowly moving on. I am happy for that. Back to that word. Happy. I am closing my eyes in search of something else to say, because today this week has been rather draining. But this path was chosen for me and I will continue along the way I am called to do. The end.

 

ALSO:: I decided to change the name of my blog. With new beginnings come new changes, right? I wrote a post with the same title a few weeks back, and I liked it. So there you have it. Let me know what you think. If you are wondering you can read that post RIGHT HERE!!

In a snap...

It's all gone. It's over. Done. Finished.

And I'm not referring to the tornadoes. This story I hope isn't as tragic, although somedays sure feels like it. It isn't that storybook ending I wrote a long time ago. Sometimes it's a comedy with me as the joke. Sometimes a war story, that so far has always ended with a casualty, and it's even felt like a horror story, because I'm terrified of what could be lurking behind that door.
See, I am working on closing this chapter. A super long one. I love reading. Hate long chapters. Even worse, a terrible ending. I'm the one who reads the last few pages to make sure I'm going to like the ending. I have to know the story will end how I feel it should end. My story has not. Maybe because it isn't the end. Maybe or hopefully I still have many more chapters to write.
This last chapter was pretty bittersweet.
Sweet because I'm a nursing school graduate, temporary licensed registered nurse, and received something that I worked so incredibly hard for. It was sweet because I met many great friends along the way, went on many of awesome vacays, and made memories I will have forever. And let's not forget I became an aunt three times throughout this chapter as well.
But I can't help this bitter feeling either. I never planned on losing friends, or for relationships to end the way they did. I never in a million years thought i would have made some of the decisions that were made. I had always hoped I would close the chapter fairly close to the way it began. Well, maybe not that close. I dreamed a different dream, and it never came true. Not to mention, the tornadoes that pretty much snapped it all away for us. So sure, this journey was a whirlwind. Literally. It still is. And now I have two weeks before I take the big N-CLEX. Hopefully, I will really end this chapter with a happily ever after.

Round and Round we go

Have you ever been to a snazzy hotel ? One with the big revolving door? Or maybe even a fancy business in a big city? I mean, they have the regular doors too. Just the normal, open and close, in and out. But those aren't nearly as exciting. Now the revolving doors are  pretty fun, right? Only until you have gone  around so many times that it has made you sick.

Insert my life:
I will LITERALLY compare it to a revolving door.
Lets go back about 5 years.
This door was big, looked like lots of fun, and everyone was jumping in for the ride. So I jumped too.
It was scary at first, but a blast to say the least. It was non stop round and round fun.
It didn't take long for it to get out of control and I had to get out to catch my breath. Which happened, then we were right back in again. There is no telling why we continued in that revolving door, but we couldn't resist. The temptations were too great. Temptations were and are still clearly not on my side.

Now this revolving door, I am was still in and out. It was the same ole same ole. I'd live life a little bit, I would try something else, then I was right back in. It was a constant thing. It never seems to stop. It isn't nearly as fun as it used to be. The fun wore off a long time ago, but I am still hanging on for dear life. Not really. I'm just spinning in circles  waiting to get off. I don't think I want to get back in once I get out this last time. I'm sure I have said that one million times previously but it is really starting to take it's toll. I mean how many times can you go in the same circle? How many times can you get on the same ride? We all know the ending.

We just don't want to believe it.
So we take one more spin.

Maybe this could be it?

But I'm getting dizzy.
I'm way past sick to my stomach,
And I'm ready to jump.

I think know I'll use the other door next time.

walking like a one man army...

You ever feel like you have something to tell someone but you don't, and before you can get around to it, it's too late? I have felt like that. However, for the most part I wear my heart on my sleeve. I say what I feel. I might have wished I didn't say it, but more than not I say it anyways. With a big gulp, I just do it. I would rather say it now then it be too late tomorrow. Nonetheless, there have  been plenty of times when I did not always say what I felt or what I should have said. Have you heard the song by mr John Mayer?
He says it clear as day.

...Say what you need to say...

Lately, or ALWAYS, I reflect on everything. 

So with everything going on recently, it is only natural to do some extra reflecting.

A little searching,

I am always wondering what I could have done or said differently.

I know that we should not dwell on the past, 

maybe we should just take a quick look back to see how far we have come.
It might be dangerous.
It might be scary.
But I have tried the not looking back thing and I'm too nosy not to turn around.
So I will take a glance at what used to be.

And afterwards,
I will say what I need to say.
I will feel what I have to feel.
you should too...

after all, tomorrow is never a guarantee.

And because I am partially obsessed with the guy who the wrote the song, I will take a look at the all the handsome pictures of him too.

now, welcome to my world. ha.

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You'd better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Than never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say...

closing the chapter.

I wrote a few months back about some questions that weighed heavily on my heart. Here is most of that entry...


When is it time to throw in the towel?
When do you finally say, okay this is enough, I am finished?
When you walk away, never look back, and move on?

See, I think I am a pretty good giver of advice, but you know they always say, "it's easier said than done." So thank you to whoever said that, I suppose you just wanted to make life a little bit more difficult. So here I am, unable to follow through with my own advice, because I just don't know. It is that plain and simple. What to do? What to do? I have worked so hard for something, have recieved little in return, but some part of me can't throw in the towel. Why? Because life isn't that simple. Sure I am young, have tons of life to live, but I just don't know that for sure. I only have today. Shouldn't that make this all more simple? Why heck no. But more difficult? WELL YES. Because I am so scared of the unknown. Like, TERRIFIED.

I have no idea why. I could blame my past, my choices, my present, or anything for that matter. But there is no one to blame but myself. For not following through with what I believe, and losing myself, who I am deep down, in the process. Now that is pretty simple to follow. I have held on for so long that I can't remember why I chose that the first time. So when is time to throw in that towel? I still need an answer.

I think we are scared to make decisions because we don't know what our future holds. What if that was the best. What if we don't find anything like it ever again, and what if we lose it all? Now that, I am afraid of. That is something my heart just can't grasp, and that is why it is so hard to throw in this worn out towel.

The one thing I do know, is that I hate to question things. I just feel like if you question your decisions, then maybe they aren't the best ones for you. You should just know. Don't people just know? Or is that just in the movies? Surely not, surely when something is right, you just know. Whole heartedly its all you can think about, its the best decision, and it just feels best? Surely there are still those moments out there. I am a believer.

Yesterday, I threw in the towel. It was time. Ill try and not let my emotions get the best of me, and WILL NOT blog about it over and over again. So right now I will give you this one post. It was the best decision for me right now. The best decision for me today. After all of the things that I have seen happen to people close to me in the recent weeks, today is what matters most. i say that a lot, but mean it deeply.

Since I have time...

So, not quite a year ago (I didn't start my blog until the summer), I wrote a post about my life, and where I was then. So a few more followers, and months later, I will give you another. One year ago today, I was starting up 2nd semester. I had just finished and passed first semester. I say that because the very year before that (fall 2008) I wasn't so lucky. I had actually failed one of my nursing classes, and by fail, I mean 72. 75 is the passing rate. It was a tragedy to say the least. TRAGIC. Nothing about me was prepared to handle such a predicament. I know now, and knew then (it was just harder to see past the tear soaken eyes), that there are far worse things in life than something you get a second chance at. Some people don't get more than one chance, and God allowed me another one. I will forever be grateful for that chance. I do not question why I failed, and I take complete responsibility. I, to this day, have a hard time telling people, because I take what people think to the heart, and it hurts. It hurts that people younger than me by years have graduated with their RN degree, and I am still trucking along. But I do my best to keep my head up, and just be thankful for this whole opportunity in general. I mean I just wrote a whole blog about people pitying themselves over something tee-tiny. So I know that what happened was just another bump in the road, and that my plan was far greater than anything I could ever imagine. I am thankful for that, and thankful that I am still in the process of learning so much about life and who I am and what I want to be. Although it would have been so very nice to graduate last May, some days I don't think God or I thought I was quite ready. I am okay with that. I don't see any of the time off was wasted. I see it as just more learning experience. So today, I am on my way to finishing up nursing school. One year ago today, I didn't see this all happening so fast, but I am so excited that it is. It is pretty surreal. However, I do know, I must get there first. I take my days as they come, or try to, because that can get pretty hard. Sure, I have my countdown, and I am constantly checking off the days in my calendar, but I know I must take this day by day. ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN. Also, so much has changed in a year. good and bad. good decisions, poor decisions, and decisions I am still trying to overcome. I have made new friends, said good bye to great friends, and made old friends new again. I am stronger, and sometimes wiser, but mostly only with the book smarts. I tell myself my common sense is lacking because I study so much, pushed all that common sense to the curb. So that is where my life is, one year later. I am one year older, almost 2 (my birthday is february 16), and I am about to be an aunt for the THIRD time. life is good. most days anyways, but in the end, I will be okay. ALSO :: my aunt was finally able to eat solid food. Can you imagine? Not eating FOOD for almost 6 months, and not by choice. Well, she is slowly but surely working her way back up, because GOD IS SO GOOD. and in an instant, my life is no longer complicated. My worries are not going to be the death of me, and I will take these road bumps one step at a time.

A Heavy Heart.

"It's not what you take when you leave this world behind you,

it's what you leave behind you when you go..." -randy travis

Normally this song would be just another song, but now it has a whole new meaning. Sure I haven't gotten much sleep and I am running on fumes and we are only in the middle of week 3, but I am thankful. I'm loving this whole "I am a 5th semester nursing student thing." However, today my heart is heavy. I promise yall, I am not always a downer. (but since I treat my blog like my diary, this is what you get) It doesn't affect me per say, but it affects me personally because people's lives are rapidly changing. Not for the better either. If you only had 1 year to live your life, would you do something different? Would you seek out people you haven't seen in years? Would you tell someone that you loved them? Would you travel, pray harder, love deeper? Or do nothing at all? What if YOU were faced with such a decision? How would your life change? By no means do I live my life like this right now. I should, and sometimes I try. However, I often fail hard. I don't have the funds to travel wherever I want, and often put off saying what I really feel. I say, I'll just do it later. But our tomorrow is now today and we are still putting it off. If you only had 1 year to live, would you be okay with what you left behind? Some people actually have to face that decision. Could you face it? I don't think that I could, not right now anyways. BUT ALL WE HAVE IS RIGHT NOW.

I heard this song while driving the other day, and only a few of the lines stood out to me. I'll give you a quick background story of the situation, not the song. A sweet family friend, a teacher, a mother to 3 children under 16, a wife, a daughter, a sister, was diagnosed with t cell lymphoma that is very aggressive. So aggressive and rare that only 1 - 2% have been diagnosed with such cases, and so aggressive that she must immediately begin treatment and begin a journey no one should ever have to face. Now the song talks about a teacher, and how she "leaves her wisdom in the minds of lots of children, and did her best to give them all a better start." I am absolutely 100% sure she has done this, and so very much more. So hearing the song, I began to really listen to the words, really feel what the lyrics were telling me. When you leave this world, we only take ourselves, but we leave so much behind. Would you be proud of what you left? Would you be honored? Would you be satisfied? I only ask, because like I said earlier, I have never even asked myself these questions. I live my life like tomorrow will be here before I know it, so we will just put everything off until then. Or in my case, I have all of next week to study, I will just do it then.

Not everyone has next week.

Again, my heart has just been super heavy for her and her family, as well as, my aunt who has 2 chemo treatments left in this first round. It is hard for me to get any work done when my brain is all over the place, so I came here to sort it out.

I will continue to pray & ask that you do too.

 

If you would like, you can visit her caring bridge site right here. You can read her story, and see just how amazing she is. She doesn't question. She only thanks God for her time here. She really is an inspiration.

It can't be that bad

DISCLAIMER: this blog shouldn't offend anyone, just make them more aware of their spoken words. 

In a little over 3 months I have known 3 people diagnosed with cancer. In three months every single problem I thought I had, no longer really mattered. Because someone is actually having a really bad day. One of my biggest pet peeves lately has definitely become seeing all of the negative comments on facebook & twitter. Comments like "ugh, I have the worse luck, they didn't have the shoes I wanted", or a "My messy house needs to be cleaned, agh my life sucks." Really? I am sure it sucks having to clean your house, but your life sucks because of that? No, seriously?  Atleast you have a house, atleast you have the ability to get what you want when you want it.  (And it isn't these comments, per say, just the negative comments in general.) So the complaining should probably stop. ***I know I have more than likely been guilty of such a crime, but I really have tried a lot lately to just be thankful.  If people only knew what was really going on with that person sitting next to them with a blank look in their eyes. Do you know their story, or are you too busy complaining about all the things you don't need? I don't mean to rant but RATHER make people more aware of the people around them. Not everyone is as fortunate as you might be, and if they have the means, you still don't know their story. Take a closer look.

It might surprise you.

A little recap...

With a new year comes new posts, so I give to you a small recap of my favorite posts. Check them out.

What are your favorite blogs?

My life as of Right Now

Nothing Sweeter than Summertime

Crazy Little thing called Love

Fair Choices

The House that Built Me

Highway 20 Ride

You Can't Always Get What You Want

It only hits the hardest when it hits right at home

Lean on me

If it were only so simple

This too shall pass

If it were only so simple...

as a sweet little blue eyed asking for santa to bring her some scissors for christmas. Or if it were only so simple as that same little girl saying the her little brother will be named merry christmas. If life were only as simple as the sweet little moments that cost absolutely nothing, and mean the world to so many people. Because at one point in our lives, we were really that simple. I guess we call it the little things. Then one day life got got complicated. We started receiving bills in the mail, had people rely on us, and realized that there are actually bad people in this complicated little world. If it were only as simple as it used to be.

If it were only as simple as the doctor saying we will get this figured out, If it were only so simple, I guess we would then know how to make radiation not so hard on someone so precious. If it were only so simple, maybe they would actually get this figured out. For now, we will stick with continuous feeding through a PEG and hope that some nutrients are actually being absorbed. We will continue to push fluids through a port that is intended for the chemotherapy still left to be finished. For now, we will hope that the answers are oh so simple.  If life were so simple, we could all just ask for scissors from santa, instead of being healed from a nasty cancer. We could ask for scissors instead of being free of pain. We could ask for scissors instead of throwing up after every single meal. But life just isn't that simple anymore, we take the little moments for granted, and forget to remember what matters the absolute most. We want when we don't need, we frown when we aren't sad, and we lose the simplicity in the most UNcomplicated of life's unexpected journeys. today i ask for prayers for my sweet, precious aunt, and hope that the doctors really do get it all figured out. ***While we forget the simplicity in being able to drive through a fast food restaurant and take a big honking bite of a chik-fil-a sandwich, someone else can't even swallow like they used to be able too. all they want for christmas is to be able to eat normally again. that is pretty simple. pretty priceless. let's keep it simple.

daily INSPIRATION.

i follow this blog. her name is lauren. you can find her blog @ busybeelauren. she has written a few blogs lately that have been absolutely beautiful, and a few blogs that i can very much relate to. i know i speak a lot about struggles, and overcoming those struggles, but so often i feel like i am alone in this great big world. i know there are so many people who believe depression, anxiety, etc, etc, are simple, uncomplicated, superficial expressions. feelings that can be overcome by "sucking it up." yeah, well that isn't always the case. life just isn't that simple. and i am not alone. there are so many people all over the world who are overcoming even greater battles. over the years, i have learned my anxiety is not quite on my side. i don't know when it happened, maybe when i failed out of nursing school, maybe its all the changes i have encountered this past year and a half, and maybe just maybe i can't handle all this stress by myself. im an over analyzer. im a stresser. and i have failure in the back of mind every. single. day. why? because at any point it could happen. at any point, i could lose my balance, and fall off this wagon. its right there, waiting for me to stumble. but everyday i make the conscious decision to think positive, to know that i will be okay, and to know that everything will work itself out. all i have to do is believe. but i just can't do it on my own. for a long time i tried. but there are so many people out there who want to help, who want to listen, and who totally believe in all the things they know you can do. and for that, i am so grateful. 
recently, i was in my psych rotation of clinicals where i was at a local mental health facility. i for sure had my own views before even stepping in the building, but little did i know that was all going to change. not everyone is as lucky as you and me. not everyone can make the rational decision to get help, make a change, or realize that something is wrong. some people do not have that ability. as much as i wanted to shake sense into some of those people, their brains are wired totally different. they are unable to comprehend the severity in their actions, their thoughts, their emotions. but so often people lose the battle. and so often people are unable to reach out and find that hand that is waiting on them.
i tried for a very long time to hide the emotions, the hurt, the disappointments, but i could no longer fight through it all by myself. and i am beyond thankful that i have the support system behind me to make it over the mountain. and i still do. i just have to continue to remind myself that i am not alone & God will never put me through something that i can't handle. and for that, i am so thankful.