Times, they are a changin'

found here

Enough.

SACRIFICE I have sacrificed more than I could have ever imagined for my future of being a nurse, but honestly I am okay with that. Because somewhere in this world, someone has sacrificed even more than I have. Those I love know that it is for the best and Ill come back may 10, 2011 (graduation). And I will come back better than ever. My family has sacrificed even greater things for me, especially me being on a 6 year college plan, and I don't know how I will ever repay them. The encouragement, the extra money, the love, the shoulders to lean on, the hugs have meant more than words could ever express. Thank you for your sacrifices.

Second Chance. Each and everyday I thank God for the second chances, for the third chances. Without them, I would be out of school, alone, living in a box somewhere. I am positive it is more than hard to give people multiple chances, been there done that, but deep down, I would not be where I was today without them. I thank God everyday for my chance to redo nursing school, a chance to try again at a relationship, at a friendship, at letting Him be the Leader of my life. Because all too often I have to remind myself He is in control. I am grateful everyday at the second chances I have received.

BALANCE. A couple of weeks ago, I started playing on this Wii fit. It told me my balance skills were poor and I probably trip a lot when I fall. DEAD on. I was never meant to walk the tight rope, a balance beam, because I do good at walking down the street. So you can only imagine the problems I have when it comes to balancing my life. All I know is school is first. After that it is a major balancing act that I am obviously failing at.

DISAPPOINTment. My greatest fear in life is to disappoint. I am a pleaser, I apologize for everything, and I am constantly sorting through the file cabinet in my brain to make sure I haven't made someone else mad. But life isn't that easy. Everyone can't be happy, and no one can be happy until we are happy with ourselves. Spoken from my daddy. And as my sister says, Don't sweat the small stuff. Easier said than done. I am sorry if my decisions are disappointing. I'm doing the best I can with the short fuse that is about to explode. I guess it is just the Devil doing his dirty work. Not today.

Because today is a good day. Another day closer to my dreams.

CHEERS...

Can I post the same blog twice? I posted just a few days ago about letting go and letting God. I used that lesson this week. Actually that lesson back fired. Sometimes I push too much. Sometimes I care too much. Sometimes I want too much. I can't help but wear those emotions. I smile too big, I cry way too hard, and I love way too deep. I give in, I take back, I hold on and can't let go. When does what we need become a want, when does what we want become too much, and when do we need to let go because what we want is not what we need? Gah, that makes no sense. I have what I want. But is it what I need? Maybe that makes it a little bit clearer. I am such a rambler. I over analyze everything. I think that's why I am in such an emotional tornado right this very moment. Because the wheels in my brain wont stop turning. I over think every step. Read in way too much then mess everything up along the way. Or that's how it feels atleast. Its because when you have worked so hard for everything that you want and have, you are so afraid of letting it all go. So you think, wonder, ponder, analyze, and try to remember and go over every situation, every detail. Oh, and push everyone away in the process. So when does the cycle end? When do we let go, and trust in ourselves, each other, in God? RIGHT NOW...

Because as mentioned in an earlier post everything
can be taken from us in an instant.

And that is no fun.

What else is no fun? Studying, studying everyday of my life. Living off of red bulls and monsters. Not sleeping at night, waking up with heart palpitations, heavy breathing, and an overt feeling of suffocation. And all for what? Oh yeah, that future of mine. That thing called a career. 3 tests, 2 weeks, unlimited cans of energy drinks, loss of vision due to all the excessive reading of the tiny little writing in a horribly, written for a doctor, book. Agh, the love of school. And the life you are trying to hold together outside of school. So I will make a toast,

Here's to keeping it together, only wanting what we need, slacking off on all of the energy drinks, and letting God take full control. Cheers.

"Happiness, feels a lot like sorrow, let it be, can't make it come or go, but you are gone, not for good but for now, gone for now feels a lot like gone for good." - the fray

these days are filled with anything but happiness, honestly, its more of the sorrow showing its evil ways. but in order to achieve such happiness would that mean someone else would have to be unhappy, or is there a common ground? Well could someone please point me into the direction of that road, because I obviously took a wrong turn and got lost. Story of my life. Word to the wise: I am horrible with directions. Top ten, world's worst. Tell me to take my first left, and if I see a road that probably isn't a road but more of a dirt/gravel area that is to the left, I will take it. You said first left, correct? Or maybe you said right, I mean it looks more familiar, I will go with right....dead end, turn around. It was definitely a left. I could have anyone turned around in a flash. My brain just analyzes things a little backwards and upside down. It usually takes a minimum of 3 times for me to find and actually know my way somewhere, and if I'm not driving you cannot count that to one of the 3 times. I probably wasn't paying attention. Okay so I'm lost, looking for the directions, and if anyone has a shortcut to may 2011 I would love it. because this road is getting more bumpy by the day, the storm is not letting up, and the grass has got to be greener on the other side of the huge mountain that awaits me. Surely it will be.

Quick pause for a question: How do you tell someone that you are unhappy when their entire world is full of sparklers and bright colors and a fairytale world? Is it selfish to even say anything? What if it has your whole world turned upside down? What if it took everything you knew from right beneath your feet, no warnings?

Surely, there is a middle ground. Well I can't find it because I have no way to escape it all. I'm stuck. My battery is too low to call and ask for a way out, and I'm getting tired of relying on everyone around me. Its my life, my responsibilities, my unhappiness, my struggles, my mishaps, my wrong decisions, and my missed turns. Here's to finding our happiness. Wish me luck.

Dear Diary,

I suppose we wouldn't be where are today if it weren't for our past. our struggles. our deepest and darkest times. our good times. our tribulations. our ah-ha moments. ive been through a lot my last 23 years of life, but i know there is always one more person who has probably been through a lot more than i have.

today, at 23 years old, I still struggle with things from the past. I can't control what happened, why it happened, or how it happened. I wont go into any detail but it was a struggle, and I am still dealing with it today. We all are. I don't know how to comprehend what is going on, or even know if I want to. I want to be happy for what is taking place, and I really am. But it is all a little bittersweet. Because beneath it all, there is a chapter that is finally going to close. And I just don't think I am ready for such a closure. But like always, God will get us through this together. He always does.

Each day, somewhere and someone is facing a struggle. A struggle that might be too hard for us to even understand. But that struggle is something God wants. He needs for us to be stronger, to be wiser, and to know to always trust in Him. My struggles in life are not near what most people face. But that doesn't mean they don't make me stronger and more determined to fight.

"we don't seem to understand

why its happened this way
but everyone's heart is still broken
so we just take it day by day"

sincerely, Me.

FAIR (choices)

1.Fair- free from bias, dishonesty, or injustice: a fair decision; a fair judge. 2. A carnival with endless rides, cotton candy, and nonstop fun. Although the majority of my life seems like a non stop carnival ride, I wouldn't always assume it was fair. In our eyes, life isn't always fair. Our phone dies when we are expecting an important phone call, we run out of gas with 2$ in our bank account, and we are sitting out of a graduation that we were supposed to be a part of. Now that's what I call unfair. Or maybe its just life. Here's a quote for thought-" life is all about the choices...when you cut out all of the junk all you have left is a choice...you choose how you react to situations...you choose how people affect your mood...bottom line...it's your choice how you live your life...attitude, after all, is everything." Its not a quote I have written but definitely something I like to live by. Life is all about the choice, and the choices we make are what decide our future, decide our destinations. So with that, life is only as fair as we make it. Although we may not know our outcome, the majority of our choices that put us in those places come from our decisions. So how are we to decide if it is fair or not? Yes my phone has died when I really didn't need it to. I have even ran out of gas the same day I got my first ever speeding ticket with hardly any money in my bank account, and I am supposed to be graduating tomorrow! However, the choices I made... Like not charging my phone when I was supposed to, going to fast, or not paying attention to my gas light put me in those situations... We all know I studied my butt off to pass that class but maybe that choice wasn't up to me. I chose to not take summer classes freshman and sophomore year of college in fear of missing out on a social life, and at one point or another I have chosen facebook over studying. Life isn't always going to be fair. Its only going to be what you make it, and you're only going to make it if you know and make the choices that are best and right for you. Obviously we won't know the outcomes, ill leave that to God. I do know the choice, and I do know that in my heart I should be sitting front and center at graduation but for now it will just be front and center of the audience cheering my little heart out for all of those walking. This has been something that been glooming over my head lately. I suppose because graduation is tomorrow, but it is also something I have come to terms with, or attempting to. I can't question why these outcomes have occurred, only acknowledge them for what they are and know life isn't always going to be fair. So I trust in God and know that my choice today is to be proud of my accomplishments and to be so happy for all of my buddies graduating tomorrow. Happy graduation!

sticks and stones

may break my bones and the words always seem to hurt me. It is a part of my personality that I sincerely wish were different. I let what people say and do get to me, and it is very hard for me to let go. Maybe it is a self confidence issue or just a 'me' issue... but definitely an issue I've always had. Sure, everyone gossips now and then and everyone talks, but knowing someone talks about me without knowing me is just hurtful. I guess that is a part of life and something I will always struggle with. Yes, I have a lot of negative qualities... Don't we all? And if you know me, you know those qualities, I wear my heart on my sleeve and my scattered emotions are pretty evident, and the list goes on and on...But those who know me, love me no matter what and beyond all of the negativity. So for that I am thankful.

btw >> my brain is always scattered, always thinking, and normally over-analyzing... but i have decided to share a poem i wrote a while ago... just a little one that kinda fits the mood i am in today. so here goes nothing... its called Yesterday

Let the past be the past

Its the only place it belongs

It was left there for a reason

It should no longer tag along

Let the present be today

For it is the only day that counts

Tomorrow is a new battle

So dont let it bring you down

We live for the future

But have yet to live today

Tomorrow will bring its own troubles

And soon it will be another yesterday.