The Sun is Rising

"Change is never easy. You fight to hold on & you fight to let go"

I've thrown myself into so many new changes lately searching for some sort of new normal that I forget exactly what I am searching for. I run daily to de-stress & stay in shape although I hate running. I left the most amazing job ever to work Monday - Friday even though I promised myself I'd never be a normal working girl and I own the cutest house on the block that I share with my pups, although I never imagined this journey alone. So halfway through my mental breakdown a couple of weeks ago I realized how badly I wanted my old normal back. A normal that made me happy, kept me semi stress free & promised me a future that I couldn't wait to start. It was a also a normal that was taken so abruptly I still forget that it even happened. I haven't forgotten it really, I live it daily. I just often wonder why it was all taken from me. We pray for God to make these changes and to steer us onto the path that He has chosen for us, but emotionally I feel like I'm in a tornado. My devotional tells me daily to have faith, and to never lose hope,  that everything happens in God's perfect timing. I'm just unsure where I fit into any of it. We wonder how long we have to walk blind in this storm until we find that ending we are searching for. As I sit here and write this my favorite song starts to play. I think it comes on at all the right times. 

"Whatever you're facing

If your heart is breaking

There's a promise for the ones who just hold on

Lift up your eyes and see

The sun is rising."

I doubt daily. I cry often but pray continuously. Somedays are better than others and somedays down right suck. The more I push myself into something new the more every ounce of the rest of me wants to fight it. I hate change but my old normal is long gone. I just have to remind myself that something grander is on it's way and I need to thank God for all the blessings that I do have. No matter how bad our days might be, tomorrow will come and the sun will rise again. 

California Wishin...

Last Monday, Rihanna came to Birmingham for a tornado relief concert. Remember that BIG, MASSIVE tornado back in April. There are so many people that are still in the healing process, while others are still grieving. It really will be something that takes many many years to overcome. Rihanna came and Rihanna bared A LOT, however, Rihanna was pretty awesome. I must say, if it weren't for it being a benefit concert, I probably would not have gone. Nonetheless, I am glad I did, because we all had a blast. I wouldn't recommend her songs or shows for young viewers, but she really can sing.

And let's not forget she did come out towards the end in an ALABAMA jersey and even sang "Sweet Home Alabama." We take that pretty personal, and it is pretty awesome that she did that. Call us crazy, but we could never get enough of it. Roll Tide Roll. (and if you are wondering, that is said during the chorus, after every "Sweet Home Alabama.")

Like so...

"Sweet home Alabama ROLL TIDE ROLL
Where the skies are so blue
Sweet Home Alabama ROLL TIDE ROLL
Lord, I'm coming home to you"

So thank you Rihanna. You were pretty spectacular.

In a snap...

It's all gone. It's over. Done. Finished.

And I'm not referring to the tornadoes. This story I hope isn't as tragic, although somedays sure feels like it. It isn't that storybook ending I wrote a long time ago. Sometimes it's a comedy with me as the joke. Sometimes a war story, that so far has always ended with a casualty, and it's even felt like a horror story, because I'm terrified of what could be lurking behind that door.
See, I am working on closing this chapter. A super long one. I love reading. Hate long chapters. Even worse, a terrible ending. I'm the one who reads the last few pages to make sure I'm going to like the ending. I have to know the story will end how I feel it should end. My story has not. Maybe because it isn't the end. Maybe or hopefully I still have many more chapters to write.
This last chapter was pretty bittersweet.
Sweet because I'm a nursing school graduate, temporary licensed registered nurse, and received something that I worked so incredibly hard for. It was sweet because I met many great friends along the way, went on many of awesome vacays, and made memories I will have forever. And let's not forget I became an aunt three times throughout this chapter as well.
But I can't help this bitter feeling either. I never planned on losing friends, or for relationships to end the way they did. I never in a million years thought i would have made some of the decisions that were made. I had always hoped I would close the chapter fairly close to the way it began. Well, maybe not that close. I dreamed a different dream, and it never came true. Not to mention, the tornadoes that pretty much snapped it all away for us. So sure, this journey was a whirlwind. Literally. It still is. And now I have two weeks before I take the big N-CLEX. Hopefully, I will really end this chapter with a happily ever after.

A post about Valentine's day....

I THINK NOT. Although I did recieve a valentine in the mail from a fancy little blogger.

and my mom made me some of these...

DELISH.

So tell someone you love them.

Not just today, but

EVERY

SINGLE

DAY.

HAPPY MONDAY.

my Music Monday

I see a lot of "music Monday" posts...I love music, and often write blogs based on songs I hear...So here is my music Monday....
***just click to read.
It's my party and I'll cry if I want too - Lesley Gore
If I Could Write A Letter to Me - Brad Paisley

Lean on Me - Bill Withers

If I Die Young - The Band Perry
You Can't Always Get What you Want - The Rolling Stones
Free Fallin - John Mayer
Keep Your Hands to Yourself - Georgia Satellites
The House that Built Me - Miranda Lambert
Highway 20 Ride - Zac Brown Band
Friends in Low Places - Garth Brooks
Hey Soul Sister - Train

American Honey - Sugarland

HAPPY MONDAY Y'ALL!

oh Monday

Terms to know:
Clinicals: those are days when we nursing students go to the hospital, and get to almost be the nurses. We have 1 patient, and do total care for that one. Its pretty exciting. No really, I love clinicals for the most part.
Clinical Paperwork: well there is always a bad to a good. And this is the bad, only because it takes a lot of time. See, nurses do care plans. That's where we give our "nursing diagnoses." No, no medical ones, like stroke, asthma, the flu, etc etc. Ours are more like this: say the doctor diagnosed you with the flu or pneumonia. We would give a diagnosis of "impaired breathing pattern related to pain, as evidenced by crackles on the lungs, and shortness of breath." We then set goals, interventions, blah blah, blah. It is about as much fun as watching paint dry.

Okay, so the only good thing about this monday, is the Christmas music on the radio. Yes, they are playing Christmas music ALL the TIME, and I LOVE IT. I love Christmas. Sure the gifts are fun, but I love the decorations, could sit and stare at the trees and ornaments FOREVER, go googled eyed over all the lights, and can't get enough greenbean casserole and honey baked ham. 

The cruchies on top are AMAZING.

 image

okay so we all know about last monday. 

The bullet got into a fight with a curb and resulted in a new tire. 

Well what is on this monday's agenda, besides raining non-stop?

 image

One 40+ mile trip to school for a fun filled class of cardiac. One brain fart to remember that I have forgotten my clinical paperwork, back at home 40+ miles in the opposite direction. One HOLY CRAP moment. One U-turn. One 40+ mile trip back to get the forgotten paperwork. One potty and refill on the gas break. And one final trip back to school to drop off this sacred paperwork. Phew. Let's not forget I will have to make this drive one more time today to go home. One more time tomorrow. One more time Wednesday. And one final time Thursday. But I'm not complaining. No, no complaining here. Because Thanksgiving is next week.  
Which means just one more clinical day after that, 
then one test and one final before Christmas break!

Happy Monday.

hello tuesday.

you surely are better than my monday.
one bullet (the yaris) + one curb + one turn of the head =
one hole in the tire & one bent rim & one sad little girl.
which all gets me a brand spankin new tire all thanks
to my amazing, forgiving, understanding, caring, loving
DADDY.

And on the menu for the day...

 
Well if you are the pavement... then you chose both of your options. My knee and my hand, and you ate enough to last you the rest of the week!

Story is, I don't know how to walk. My left foot tried to take control and my right foot didn't know what to do. Next thing I know, the pavement and I have gotten to know each other really well. Ill forever have gravel embedded in my forearm. HA.
Happy Monday!

Hello Monday

Everyone always say that they hate mondays. Sure, you have major jet lag from the weekend, 5 am always comes way too early and 5pm doesn't come fast enough. But it is coming whether we are ready or not. Its going to happen. Hey Monday, I've been waiting for you.

Sure Monday isn't my favorite day of the week, that's a toss up between a Friday evening or a Saturday morning. But if I am going to start anything at all, I have to do it on a Monday. Seriously, I have no idea why. But I have to, it is a must that anything new, i.e. diet, workout, must start on a Monday. I don't think I have ever started anything in the middle of the week. And why? I don't really know. All I know is that it doesn't quite feel right to start something not on a Monday, because the days will all be messed up. Because clearly I'm not going to do any of it on my beloved weekend. So why waste just half of a week? Remember that love for anything but odd numbers, this makes me have those same odd feelings.

So as you have put it all together, you will constantly here me saying, "Ill start next Monday," "Let's wait until Monday," or "Um, I think it will be better if we start on Monday, you know, like a new week, new life kind of thing." Well this past Monday has come and gone, and so have the ones before it. I am running out of Mondays. They come and go way too fast these days. So here I am, on another Monday debating if this Monday is my Monday. Because last Monday sure wasn't.

one two three FOUR

I think being in school one week is plenty time to update everyone on 4th semester! But hey, do you know what that means? Everybody look to your right... You see it? Yes the countdown is counting away, the numbers are getting smaller as we sit here together. I could sit and watch this forever. But I would probably go crazy, even more crazy than I already am,
because that is for sure possible.

See I have been taking my life day by day, I dream about the future all the time, but quickly remind myself if I want to get there then I must focus on today. Because today, in this very moment, is all we have. Gah, I say that a lot. But it is beyond the truth. I also have been praying constantly. And I feel like when I don't, that mean ole devil sticks his nasty nose in my business. Really?? I don't have time for you, so long! Also, I am trying to work out, but right now that consists of playing tennis. I sweat profusely, my heart is pounding, so I think I can consider it a pretty good workout. Just have to keep it up! I laugh off the negativity, and take a deep breath before I say something I might regret. Right now, my priority is school, and I will figure the rest out may 11th. ***Yes jessica that is your birthday, but also the day after I graduate! I will probably still be crying tears of happiness for your big day! Okay, back to today! See, there I go, but I am back.

So, let's talk about 4th semester.
The one after the easy smeasy 3rd semester,
and the one right before the ever so anticipated,
don't stop until you drop,
5th semester.

We go to class one day a week.
Pros: hello, class once a week!
Cons: more time for me to do anything but school,
because the motivation is at an all time low. My first test is not for a whole month. I mean, seriously, what am I supposed to do? Not to mention, clinicals don't start until October. I know I have it made this semester, it is just a matter on staying on top of my game,
and not looking back.

On more nursing news, this morning we had a meet and greet breakfast with the newbies. You know, those new RN students, who are secretly shaking in their brand new back to school shoes, but really have NO idea what their lives are about to come to. Gear up for the change people, because it will hit you whether you are ready or not. So today we met them, and for once I was not the new fish. I was, I am an upper division nursing student. My advice: make note cards. Seriously, that is the key if you are a note card person. But secretly, I am so thankful that I have finally made it to the other side. I could cry I am so happy, but ill save the tears. Who knows what is heading my way.

You can't always get what you want...

But if you try real hard, you'll get what you need.

Let's point out the important words to look for.

ALWAYS. Number one, never trust that word. Ever. Atleast that is what our teachers teach us, hoard at us, drill that into our brain. If we see that in an answer to a question, DO NOT choose it, keep on looking. Nothing in nursing can be as certain as to slap an ALWAYS on top of it. You will most certainly get that question WRONG.

WANT. That word is like the back bone to our being. We want want want. We can never have enough, its a constant battle. We are never satisfied, because there is always something, someone that is better than what we have and who we are or what we can whole heartedly give. We are never enough, never give enough, never have enough, never show enough.

TRY. Most people just expect life to happen. For everything that they always wanted to be handed to them. Just like that. No hard work, elbow grease needed. Just here you go. Here is everything you always wanted handed on a silver platter. Hope you enjoy. But maybe, just maybe if you TRIED a little harder, put a little effort into it, you yourself could get what you wanted for yourself. How much of a satisfaction would or could that bring? A LOT, if you ask me. A little effort sure could go a long way. You just have to want it, right? There is that want again. We always want what we can't have. It is that never ending battle. But maybe if we were the one's pursuing that want, and not someone else handing it to us, then the let down wouldn't be so bad. We wouldn't be disappointed in someone who couldn't pull through for us. It would just make us work that much harder for what we wanted, and we would just get it for ourselves. But we surely still aren't satisfied. GEEZ, I feel like I am running in circles here. I probably am. Almost dizzy, not quite though.

NEED. We always seem to want. But what about what we need? You know, those basics. Like air, water, food, shelter, clothing. I think if we focused on our needs we wouldn't be so let down with what we don't have. We could solely concentrate on things we need, and our lives would or could be almost fulfilled. NOT EVEN CLOSE. Wanting something is so much better, gives this high we get on Christmas morning before we tear open our neatly wrapped in matching wrapping paper with ribbons ever so intertwined so beautifully presents. I can see them now... Hm, maybe I should start my list now. What do I want, better yet need? If I looked at it like that, the list would surely be slim because I can't think of too many things that I really need. Maybe a new phone, because this broke down crackberry is messing with my last whit. But hey, it is working. It calls, it texts, it tweets, it facebooks, it freezes everyday x10 but it works against all my well wishes to politely run over it. So I guess I don't need a new phone. But I do want one.

Its a constant push and pull. want vs need. But maybe if we put in just a little effort and try with the things that we already have, that we worked so hard to get, because we wanted them, always wanted them more than we could even put into words, just try. Then maybe we wouldn't want so much. But life just isn't that simple. There is always something better. Or maybe not. I just don't trust ALWAYS. Too much of a promise, and the let down hurts really bad.

Monday Mayhem

I will give you a quick glimpse into my not so fun, but can't wait until it is over with, holy crap I have 2 tests, WEEK.
Monday: class, lunch with dad......[insert nap here] STUDY let's also insert lost checkcard, and forgotten keys at lunch. in my super sarcastic tone: YAY FOR MONDAY!
Tuesday: STUDY all day
Wednesday: test 4 that I have had very little time to prepare for.
Thursday: STUDY all day
Friday: FINAL on stuff that got taken from my memory bank weeks ago!! Ill be on a major hunt Thursday to find all of the information. I have too many nursing file cabinets in my brain, with no time to organize!
Friday after the final: PACK, wash clothes, clean my room... I hate leaving and going on vacay, then coming home to a yuck room. So it must be done because Saturday I am leaving for the beach!! I am so excited. Well if you search far enough in my brain you will find the excitement. Right now, holding steady in the front is school, the beach is underneath all the chaos!

catching up and getting out.

hmm...today was my very last pre-clinical day for this semester. the day where we go and find a patient, do a bunch of not so fun paperwork, meet the patient, chat with the patient, and so very eagerly tell them we will be their "student nurses" in the morning. i know they are pretty pumped about it.
the weekend was slightly more fun. i was a busy little bee helping the boyfriend move. so jealous. one more year, one more year. i think i had a little more fun than he did shopping for his new place, and that is okay, i love some target. and i didn't come out empty handed, i got a pretty awesome minnie mouse key to his place. and its too cute.
maybe your weekend was far more exciting than mine. i worked, saw some family, ate, went to bed early, and moved of course. just another weekend closer to graduation is what i say, right? anything to get me through to the next one.
so that is it, such a boring post, but im tired, have lots of paperwork to do, and just anxious in general. here's to my not so happy monday!