Today is the day

My mom said to set a date. Set a date to say today is the day. Today is the day that you won't look back. Everyone deserves time to grieve and be bitter and cry. Some a little longer than others, but if we make a habit out of it then we are just letting something control us that we have no control over. Now what good comes from that? Absolutely nothing. We have no control. We gave it all to God. He closed this door we thought we would have opened for forever because He has something grander in mind. I might still be impatiently waiting, but I'm sure the wait will be worth it. Is it fair, probably not. But life's not fair and that's a whole other blog entry in general. So today is my day. After today, I'm to leave my past exactly where it belongs and I'm to wake up every single day with a better mindset than the day before. Hard? Well that's an understatement. But if I keep living this woe is me life, then I'm giving all the power to someone who doesn't deserve it. Today I'm taking everything I have left and I'm leaving on a jet plane. I'm saying so long to that chapter and I'm starting a new one. Today I get to see my brother and sister in law and spend the next five days with my best friends in Texas. Of course I'll be back, but not back where everything went so wrong. I'll be back and then I'll be closing on my very own home and I'll get to start a new chapter... a chapter with blank pages with a fresh new book smell, that's a smell to love. Or maybe it's the smell of a brand new home. Either way, today is the day to never look back, because it only brings me down. Today is for me and I couldn't be more excited to see where it takes me. So long Alabama. I'll see ya soon.

Every little thing will be alright

I started blogging again because I wanted to blog about the exciting changes that were happening in my life. I have a job that I love, I'm closing on my very own home in less than a month now, and I was sharing my life with someone who I love dearly.... But I also have always kept this blog like a diary. Did I expect to ever be writing like this again? Absolutely not. For me, writing is therapy. So I can't apologize if sometimes this blog is like a Debbie downer. Although I try to see the positive in every situation, sometimes I just need to let it out....

I'm never good with change. I don't think I can blog about it enough. I think heartache is like having your tonsils out. The older you are, the harder the aftermath. Maybe it's the thought of starting over, again. Maybe it's the reality that I'm not living the plans I imagined. I steered off that course along time ago. Through each situation I try to not do anything out of spite and I never have wanted to feel empowered over someone. Making myself feel better isn't a priority I strive to receive. Maybe I should, but it's just never been how I deal with situations. I am, however, sometimes too nice and give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I see the good. Right now some would say I have it all, but I beg to differ. I try daily to remember that His plan is greater but my heart is bruised. At 18, if you asked how my life would be at 27 this wouldn't have been it. I, again, don't make those plans. I only follow them, sometimes screaming and fighting. I've been given the answers I so desperately crave and I am still having the hardest time putting one foot in front of the other. Do I realize that many others have it way worse than I? Of course. But today, these are my struggles, and they are very real. Growing up I never wanted to feel like I needed someone to help me through life. Do I love companionship and having someone there, of course. I love the idea of sharing my life with someone, married or not. However, right now I'm having to learn just the opposite. I thought I was starting a new chapter with someone. Plans change and people do too. I can't live with the idea of not starting this chapter because I'm no longer sharing it with someone. I can't halt my life because someone halted theirs. I pray every single day for the right decisions. Right now I'm hating the answers, I really am. However, I know that I need to figure this journey out by myself. I can start a chapter without the rock I so desperately loved, because that rock crumbled. Luckily for me, my God's rock will never fault me. I may not see His plans because my eyes are a little teary, but I will try living it. Every single day. 

Born and Raised

Oh Johnny. Have you heard his new album? It is just delightful... Born and Raised. It isn't just the name of the album, but also names my most favorite song.

Now and then I pace my place
I can't retrace how I got here
I cheat the light to check my face
It's slightly harder than last year

Then all at once it gets hard to take
It gets hard to fake what I won't be
Cause one of these days I'll be born and raised
And it's such a waste to grow up lonely

I still have dreams, they're not the same
They don't fly as high as they used to
I saw my friend, he's in my head
And he said, "You don't remember me, do you?"

Then all at once it gets hard to take
It gets hard to fake what I won't be
Cause one of these days I'll be born and raised
And it's such a waste to grow up lonely

I still got time, I still got faith
I call on both of my brothers
I got a mom, I got a dad
But they do not have each other

So ride on up, take your place
And show your face to the morning
Cause one of these days you'll be born and raised
And it all comes on without warning

Plans change, people too, but life goes on.

I read a book last summer and it read the most perfect paragraph. We could make a big bowl of ice cream, crank up the John Mayer, but the sun is going to set and rise each and everyday. Well, it didn't say John Mayer, but it did mention something about ice cream and the sun. Then one day you'll wake up and your life has flashed before your eyes. Maybe not literally of course, but it really does feel like it. We set goals, we make plans, we meet mountains then everything changes. It changes because we allow it to. We decide those paths are just too tough, so we make a bee line for the quickest exit and our dreams aren't nearly as hard to reach, so life goes on.  Let's just take it from John Mayer. He says it pretty perfectly. One of these days, you'll be born and raised and it all comes on without warning.

Nursing Nonsense :: Week Seventeen

VIA

It hasn't sunk in just yet.
Maybe because I still feel like I'm waiting on that email that says, "just kidding."
Or maybe it's because this past week has been anything but normal.
No, normal isn't a word I would use to describe everything that has happened in a few short days.
Maybe it hasn't sunk in because the greatest terror of them all was killed just the other night. That is just another twist in this story Im still writing.
Maybe it's because one of the greatest tragedies occurred right here. Not right here, but in the towns I have always called home. People are still searching, still wondering, and still pinching themselves hoping to wake up from this nightmare.
So, no it hasn't sunk in. This week has been a little off.
What hasn't sunk in?
That because of this HORRIBLE tragedy our graduation was cancelled. Our finals DONE. We haven't even taken them yet. Done, finished, end of story.
Say what?
I am a nursing graduate?
Yes, you could still take the final if your average grade wasn't passing, but mine was. I was, I am exempt from the final.

I

Am

A

Nursing

Graduate.
I mean I've only been working towards this year for years.
And in a flash, my second hometown is in despair, and yet I stand here a graduate.
I'm happy. I'm ecstatic. But I would also give it all back to rewind last Wednesday. I can't. Believe me.

So I will be happy.
I will be FREAKING thrilled.
It will just take a few more days.
It is still sinking in.

Holy Moly.
And since we will not be having a graduation ceremony, I figured I could re-post this picture of me in my cap & gown. 

Future,
HERE I COME.

 VIA
PLEASE, PLEASE continue to pray for all of those affected by the tornado. They need it more than ever.

Round and Round we go

Have you ever been to a snazzy hotel ? One with the big revolving door? Or maybe even a fancy business in a big city? I mean, they have the regular doors too. Just the normal, open and close, in and out. But those aren't nearly as exciting. Now the revolving doors are  pretty fun, right? Only until you have gone  around so many times that it has made you sick.

Insert my life:
I will LITERALLY compare it to a revolving door.
Lets go back about 5 years.
This door was big, looked like lots of fun, and everyone was jumping in for the ride. So I jumped too.
It was scary at first, but a blast to say the least. It was non stop round and round fun.
It didn't take long for it to get out of control and I had to get out to catch my breath. Which happened, then we were right back in again. There is no telling why we continued in that revolving door, but we couldn't resist. The temptations were too great. Temptations were and are still clearly not on my side.

Now this revolving door, I am was still in and out. It was the same ole same ole. I'd live life a little bit, I would try something else, then I was right back in. It was a constant thing. It never seems to stop. It isn't nearly as fun as it used to be. The fun wore off a long time ago, but I am still hanging on for dear life. Not really. I'm just spinning in circles  waiting to get off. I don't think I want to get back in once I get out this last time. I'm sure I have said that one million times previously but it is really starting to take it's toll. I mean how many times can you go in the same circle? How many times can you get on the same ride? We all know the ending.

We just don't want to believe it.
So we take one more spin.

Maybe this could be it?

But I'm getting dizzy.
I'm way past sick to my stomach,
And I'm ready to jump.

I think know I'll use the other door next time.

Chapter 37

I have my second test Monday. I am sitting here studying. I am highlighting, reading, making mental notes, re-reading, and getting pen marks all over my hand in the process. After all, I am a lefty, and everything smudges. This is the least of my worries. This is the last thing my over crowded brain is trying to sort through. I am always working my schedule around, well school. Working it around studying, planning to study, clinicals, the interview stream I still have yet schedule, must have practice tests, and one portfolio. So there isn't much working around anything. Right now, this is my schedule. This is my life for at least a few more months. Most days I have grown to accept the challenges, the sacrifices, the struggles. I have grown to take them in stride, one big step at a time. I have learned to accept them, and never regret them. I have learned that everything could be so much worse, so I have learned to be thankful.  However, we aren't taught exactly how to deal with all of this. We think we are, but we aren't. Maybe I am just speaking for me. Yes, I was taught we must work for what we need, it will not always be handed to us, and I was taught you may not always get what you want. I was taught to keep my head held high and to never give up. I was taught that I could do anything that I put my mind to, and I would always have the support right beside me. However, there isn't a class in elementary, middle, or high school that teaches us about heartache, suffering, and life in general. Those huge moments can only be taught by lessons learned, good or bad. I have had my share of all three. I know I have many more to learn. I am nervous, anxious, terrified, but excited. I hate the ideas that I often think of when I think about my future and how it hasn't fallen the way I had always dreamed. We want so bad for certain things to be right, when the whole time we forget to see how wrong it really is. We get lost in the comfortable. We get used to what has become of it all, and we lose what it actually should be. It should be right. We shouldn't have to justify, we should just know. I don't know. I know that somedays I wish I could be finished with school 2 months ago. However, that was never my option. I wanted it to be. I even wrote it in a few calendars, but it was never my plan. My plan is right now. My plan I am still trying to grasp. My plan I am still trying to decipher. And my plan I am still trying to carry out. So as I sit here and read this chapter in this book that I have read for the one millionth time (no exaggerations, we have used this same book for four semesters) I will continue to wonder, to dream, to cry, to pray. I will continue to sacrifice. I will continue on this journey. My journey. 

closing the chapter.

I wrote a few months back about some questions that weighed heavily on my heart. Here is most of that entry...


When is it time to throw in the towel?
When do you finally say, okay this is enough, I am finished?
When you walk away, never look back, and move on?

See, I think I am a pretty good giver of advice, but you know they always say, "it's easier said than done." So thank you to whoever said that, I suppose you just wanted to make life a little bit more difficult. So here I am, unable to follow through with my own advice, because I just don't know. It is that plain and simple. What to do? What to do? I have worked so hard for something, have recieved little in return, but some part of me can't throw in the towel. Why? Because life isn't that simple. Sure I am young, have tons of life to live, but I just don't know that for sure. I only have today. Shouldn't that make this all more simple? Why heck no. But more difficult? WELL YES. Because I am so scared of the unknown. Like, TERRIFIED.

I have no idea why. I could blame my past, my choices, my present, or anything for that matter. But there is no one to blame but myself. For not following through with what I believe, and losing myself, who I am deep down, in the process. Now that is pretty simple to follow. I have held on for so long that I can't remember why I chose that the first time. So when is time to throw in that towel? I still need an answer.

I think we are scared to make decisions because we don't know what our future holds. What if that was the best. What if we don't find anything like it ever again, and what if we lose it all? Now that, I am afraid of. That is something my heart just can't grasp, and that is why it is so hard to throw in this worn out towel.

The one thing I do know, is that I hate to question things. I just feel like if you question your decisions, then maybe they aren't the best ones for you. You should just know. Don't people just know? Or is that just in the movies? Surely not, surely when something is right, you just know. Whole heartedly its all you can think about, its the best decision, and it just feels best? Surely there are still those moments out there. I am a believer.

Yesterday, I threw in the towel. It was time. Ill try and not let my emotions get the best of me, and WILL NOT blog about it over and over again. So right now I will give you this one post. It was the best decision for me right now. The best decision for me today. After all of the things that I have seen happen to people close to me in the recent weeks, today is what matters most. i say that a lot, but mean it deeply.

Since I have time...

So, not quite a year ago (I didn't start my blog until the summer), I wrote a post about my life, and where I was then. So a few more followers, and months later, I will give you another. One year ago today, I was starting up 2nd semester. I had just finished and passed first semester. I say that because the very year before that (fall 2008) I wasn't so lucky. I had actually failed one of my nursing classes, and by fail, I mean 72. 75 is the passing rate. It was a tragedy to say the least. TRAGIC. Nothing about me was prepared to handle such a predicament. I know now, and knew then (it was just harder to see past the tear soaken eyes), that there are far worse things in life than something you get a second chance at. Some people don't get more than one chance, and God allowed me another one. I will forever be grateful for that chance. I do not question why I failed, and I take complete responsibility. I, to this day, have a hard time telling people, because I take what people think to the heart, and it hurts. It hurts that people younger than me by years have graduated with their RN degree, and I am still trucking along. But I do my best to keep my head up, and just be thankful for this whole opportunity in general. I mean I just wrote a whole blog about people pitying themselves over something tee-tiny. So I know that what happened was just another bump in the road, and that my plan was far greater than anything I could ever imagine. I am thankful for that, and thankful that I am still in the process of learning so much about life and who I am and what I want to be. Although it would have been so very nice to graduate last May, some days I don't think God or I thought I was quite ready. I am okay with that. I don't see any of the time off was wasted. I see it as just more learning experience. So today, I am on my way to finishing up nursing school. One year ago today, I didn't see this all happening so fast, but I am so excited that it is. It is pretty surreal. However, I do know, I must get there first. I take my days as they come, or try to, because that can get pretty hard. Sure, I have my countdown, and I am constantly checking off the days in my calendar, but I know I must take this day by day. ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN. Also, so much has changed in a year. good and bad. good decisions, poor decisions, and decisions I am still trying to overcome. I have made new friends, said good bye to great friends, and made old friends new again. I am stronger, and sometimes wiser, but mostly only with the book smarts. I tell myself my common sense is lacking because I study so much, pushed all that common sense to the curb. So that is where my life is, one year later. I am one year older, almost 2 (my birthday is february 16), and I am about to be an aunt for the THIRD time. life is good. most days anyways, but in the end, I will be okay. ALSO :: my aunt was finally able to eat solid food. Can you imagine? Not eating FOOD for almost 6 months, and not by choice. Well, she is slowly but surely working her way back up, because GOD IS SO GOOD. and in an instant, my life is no longer complicated. My worries are not going to be the death of me, and I will take these road bumps one step at a time.

Have you seen this?

What a strong strong man. He has my vote!

A Heavy Heart.

"It's not what you take when you leave this world behind you,

it's what you leave behind you when you go..." -randy travis

Normally this song would be just another song, but now it has a whole new meaning. Sure I haven't gotten much sleep and I am running on fumes and we are only in the middle of week 3, but I am thankful. I'm loving this whole "I am a 5th semester nursing student thing." However, today my heart is heavy. I promise yall, I am not always a downer. (but since I treat my blog like my diary, this is what you get) It doesn't affect me per say, but it affects me personally because people's lives are rapidly changing. Not for the better either. If you only had 1 year to live your life, would you do something different? Would you seek out people you haven't seen in years? Would you tell someone that you loved them? Would you travel, pray harder, love deeper? Or do nothing at all? What if YOU were faced with such a decision? How would your life change? By no means do I live my life like this right now. I should, and sometimes I try. However, I often fail hard. I don't have the funds to travel wherever I want, and often put off saying what I really feel. I say, I'll just do it later. But our tomorrow is now today and we are still putting it off. If you only had 1 year to live, would you be okay with what you left behind? Some people actually have to face that decision. Could you face it? I don't think that I could, not right now anyways. BUT ALL WE HAVE IS RIGHT NOW.

I heard this song while driving the other day, and only a few of the lines stood out to me. I'll give you a quick background story of the situation, not the song. A sweet family friend, a teacher, a mother to 3 children under 16, a wife, a daughter, a sister, was diagnosed with t cell lymphoma that is very aggressive. So aggressive and rare that only 1 - 2% have been diagnosed with such cases, and so aggressive that she must immediately begin treatment and begin a journey no one should ever have to face. Now the song talks about a teacher, and how she "leaves her wisdom in the minds of lots of children, and did her best to give them all a better start." I am absolutely 100% sure she has done this, and so very much more. So hearing the song, I began to really listen to the words, really feel what the lyrics were telling me. When you leave this world, we only take ourselves, but we leave so much behind. Would you be proud of what you left? Would you be honored? Would you be satisfied? I only ask, because like I said earlier, I have never even asked myself these questions. I live my life like tomorrow will be here before I know it, so we will just put everything off until then. Or in my case, I have all of next week to study, I will just do it then.

Not everyone has next week.

Again, my heart has just been super heavy for her and her family, as well as, my aunt who has 2 chemo treatments left in this first round. It is hard for me to get any work done when my brain is all over the place, so I came here to sort it out.

I will continue to pray & ask that you do too.

 

If you would like, you can visit her caring bridge site right here. You can read her story, and see just how amazing she is. She doesn't question. She only thanks God for her time here. She really is an inspiration.

If it were only so simple...

as a sweet little blue eyed asking for santa to bring her some scissors for christmas. Or if it were only so simple as that same little girl saying the her little brother will be named merry christmas. If life were only as simple as the sweet little moments that cost absolutely nothing, and mean the world to so many people. Because at one point in our lives, we were really that simple. I guess we call it the little things. Then one day life got got complicated. We started receiving bills in the mail, had people rely on us, and realized that there are actually bad people in this complicated little world. If it were only as simple as it used to be.

If it were only as simple as the doctor saying we will get this figured out, If it were only so simple, I guess we would then know how to make radiation not so hard on someone so precious. If it were only so simple, maybe they would actually get this figured out. For now, we will stick with continuous feeding through a PEG and hope that some nutrients are actually being absorbed. We will continue to push fluids through a port that is intended for the chemotherapy still left to be finished. For now, we will hope that the answers are oh so simple.  If life were so simple, we could all just ask for scissors from santa, instead of being healed from a nasty cancer. We could ask for scissors instead of being free of pain. We could ask for scissors instead of throwing up after every single meal. But life just isn't that simple anymore, we take the little moments for granted, and forget to remember what matters the absolute most. We want when we don't need, we frown when we aren't sad, and we lose the simplicity in the most UNcomplicated of life's unexpected journeys. today i ask for prayers for my sweet, precious aunt, and hope that the doctors really do get it all figured out. ***While we forget the simplicity in being able to drive through a fast food restaurant and take a big honking bite of a chik-fil-a sandwich, someone else can't even swallow like they used to be able too. all they want for christmas is to be able to eat normally again. that is pretty simple. pretty priceless. let's keep it simple.

and THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

that is what someone near and dear told me tonight. they didn't say it because i got a bangin' new do. yes, that is right. see this curly hair of mine has two looks, short or long. with a little tapering action every now and then. im pretty boring because i am never one for change or out of the box type of things. throws me out of my comfort zone and into a tizzy, an anxious mess. im just not an on the spot, need an answer right now sort of person. unless it is clothes of course. im an impulse buyer to say the least. however, i have been known to walk around one store numerous of times with one item, have myself talked into buying one sans item, then putting it back, and running out the door. so maybe i do weigh the pros and cons, maybe i do have some sort of rationalization, sometimes. but with my hair, im a rationalizer, a keep it simple, don't stray from the ordinary, i like it like this and not like that kindof person. this doesn't mean i have wants and ideas for my curly headed mess, i just usually will not follow through with them. simple as that. however, tonight, i had a picture of a cute little do that i hoped would look fab on me. sure, i have cut my hair this length before, and sure i have a had a few tapered layers, but no where near those cute little swooshy side bangs. i pretend to have them, courtesy of a bobby pin, but really i don't. NOT ANYMORE FOLKS. i have partial side bangs. or that is a term i will use. to some not too drastic, to me a life changing moment. almost, well not really but sort of. my hair. my nappy curly mop of a hair do lay on the ground, and i have partial side bangs. what is a girl to do? okay wait just a minute. it isn't that drastic, but its a difference. its not that big of deal, but its a change that hasn't sunk in just yet. and they don't look half bad after i got my lovely straightener after them. so im okay, i will be okay, and this too shall pass. however, that strong 5 word statement was not intended for my superficial new do, it was because someone is actually losing their hair. not because of old age, or because of a new picture they saw in a magazine, or even because the scissors came finding them. but because their body can no longer withstand the demons of chemotherapy. and you know what. they are a-okay. why? because it is JUST HAIR. its not who we are, it isn't who we know, its just part of our appearance. sure, i might know this person because their do always looks fab and since i have known them it has never been less than superb. not to mention, they do hair for a living. so of course one of the things i always think about when they come to mind is their hair, so to know that it is slowly coming out is a big change. is that weird? is that crazy? or odd? or too superficial? i hope not, because it is just how i know them, and to see them in a different light because they are suffering, well it is sad. it is rather heartbreaking. although they weren't much concerned with the hair coming out with each slight movement of fingers through it, i could feel the concern. i could see the sadness. maybe because everyone knows what that means. everyone knows that something is wrong. and everyone assumes the worse. but it is just hair. how can something so superficial mean something so big. because it is a change that means something far deeper than just seeing someone without their usual do. it is a change that the whole world knows. and it is a change that im not ready face. another selfish moment. because this isn't my battle to fight. i can only encourage, be there, and know that someone far greater than me is IN CONTROL. no matter the outcome.  whoa, i think i am rambling. i just felt so very selfish for being so taken aback by my new do, that i didn't even take the time to think that some people would be praising the Lord for it. and this too shall pass had nothing to do with the hair, but everything to do with overcoming this mountain as a family. and we will, because this too shall pass.

image

image

It's my party life and Ill cry if I want to.

 image

I'm over driving 40+ miles back and forth almost every single day. I'm over this whole school thing. I'm just over it. For someone who despises driving as much as I do, it is rather ironic that I made the decision to move home, and make the long i-459 until it changes into i-59 drive way too many times. The drive is draining. Its long, and I can only sing and talk to myself for so very long, until the voices start talking back. Okay there aren't any voices, just mine, and I do talk to myself. On occasions of course. But to see the long road ahead of me in the distance, and never feeling any closer to my destination is rather disheartening. Its frightening to say the least. Its a lot like my journey through school as well. I was almost there, then a major road block derailed that. But we all know that story. I waited, sometimes not so patiently, refilled up the gas tank, and started on the long journey one final time. The journey for school, not the one to school. I still trek that journey a lot, and will continue to do so until may10,2011. I'm not going to all of sudden just love driving. I have never liked it, never will like it, and would just rather have a magic wand that taps me to my next destination. Problem solved, there is my million dollar idea. Too bad I don't have time for any extra ideas.

Okay I get I'm throwing myself a minor pity party, but once I vent, I shall be fine. And I know, why don't I just stay with friends down near school? Well I could, and I have. There is just something about the comfort of your own bed that makes the long drive a little bit worth it. I'm just a homebody. Always have been. Not that I'm not comfortable anywhere else. Its just I want to feel like I'm somewhere that feels like home. That warm, throw some fuzzy socks on, grab a blanket, and lounge on the couch, with no worries, no interruptions during my favorite tv shows, and no passing over into my personal space bubble kind of feeling. I'm sure you all know the feeling. But really, I can't wait to call my own place home. Ever since we have moved out of the house we grew up in, I've been quite the little nomad. That's okay, I don't mind. Let's set this record straight first: I am beyond grateful I have a roof over my head as some don't. I'm very grateful to have heat and a/c because some don't. I'm very thankful I have a nice and comfy bed with bright pink sheets, because some don't. And I'm very thankful for my parents who make the dreams a reality. All I'm saying is I want to feel like I'm at home, not at someone's house that ill move out of in the next year or two. Just saying, I'm looking forward to making a home for myself. I already have the warm fuzzy socks and all. So here is my pity party. But just so you know, I completely understand that how my life has turned out, and where I am at right this very minute was all based on the decisions I have made. I may never be okay with some of those decisions but I am slowly learning to deal with it like a big girl. I always say I can't wait to start my journey, but it has already began, a very long time ago. And it can be taken away very fast, as proven in another tragic accident in my home town. They need your prayers, and not my pity party. Because someone is always going through something a little bit harder than we are.

daily INSPIRATION.

i follow this blog. her name is lauren. you can find her blog @ busybeelauren. she has written a few blogs lately that have been absolutely beautiful, and a few blogs that i can very much relate to. i know i speak a lot about struggles, and overcoming those struggles, but so often i feel like i am alone in this great big world. i know there are so many people who believe depression, anxiety, etc, etc, are simple, uncomplicated, superficial expressions. feelings that can be overcome by "sucking it up." yeah, well that isn't always the case. life just isn't that simple. and i am not alone. there are so many people all over the world who are overcoming even greater battles. over the years, i have learned my anxiety is not quite on my side. i don't know when it happened, maybe when i failed out of nursing school, maybe its all the changes i have encountered this past year and a half, and maybe just maybe i can't handle all this stress by myself. im an over analyzer. im a stresser. and i have failure in the back of mind every. single. day. why? because at any point it could happen. at any point, i could lose my balance, and fall off this wagon. its right there, waiting for me to stumble. but everyday i make the conscious decision to think positive, to know that i will be okay, and to know that everything will work itself out. all i have to do is believe. but i just can't do it on my own. for a long time i tried. but there are so many people out there who want to help, who want to listen, and who totally believe in all the things they know you can do. and for that, i am so grateful. 
recently, i was in my psych rotation of clinicals where i was at a local mental health facility. i for sure had my own views before even stepping in the building, but little did i know that was all going to change. not everyone is as lucky as you and me. not everyone can make the rational decision to get help, make a change, or realize that something is wrong. some people do not have that ability. as much as i wanted to shake sense into some of those people, their brains are wired totally different. they are unable to comprehend the severity in their actions, their thoughts, their emotions. but so often people lose the battle. and so often people are unable to reach out and find that hand that is waiting on them.
i tried for a very long time to hide the emotions, the hurt, the disappointments, but i could no longer fight through it all by myself. and i am beyond thankful that i have the support system behind me to make it over the mountain. and i still do. i just have to continue to remind myself that i am not alone & God will never put me through something that i can't handle. and for that, i am so thankful.

If I could write a letter to me...

I would say you should have studied a little bit harder the first go around. Maybe if you would have logged out of facebook, stayed home that night, and cleared your mind, maybe you would be a real working girl now. But I would also say, you can't look back. Should-a, could-a, would-a is a thing of the past. And we are already in today. You must suck it up and move on. Because you will get through it. You will sacrifice, you will miss out, you will lose some people you thought you would have had forever. And the end goal is worth far more than any of that. The end goal is your entire life. So don't give up.

Please don't let what people say bother you. I know you do more than anything else. But remember, they don't know you. They have no idea who you really are, and obviously don't care to try. But neither do you. The past might haunt you, but you made those decisions so you must learn to live with them. People will always say what they wish. But its up to you to be a bigger person. Never forget who you are, and those who matter most will always be at your side. Don't give up.

Step back and look at each and every situation. Think before you speak, and try to see every side of the story.  Because not everyone tells the truth, and not everyone has your best interest at heart. But try and not listen to all of those outside voices. They just get in the way, cause unnecessary drama, and mean nothing to you.

Let it go. You made a decision to say goodbye and felt the consequences. If you must look back, just look at the positive. And believe me, you will have no one on your side with this dilemma. In other words, you would never go into anything by yourself. Give it up. What happened will never be changed, and you have become a stronger person because of it.

Just remember, the sun will rise each and every morning, and God's plans are far better than we could imagine. Never stop praying.

image by blissfullydomestic.

Lean on Me

"Sometimes in our lives we all have pain, We all have sorrow, But if we are wise, We know that there's always tomorrow, Lean on me, when you're not strong, And I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long, 'Til I'm gonna need, Somebody to lean on..."

False reassurance is a big No No in the nursing world. You will most definitely get that answer wrong. It just means false hope, and we aren't allowed to give it. No everything might not be okay, and I don't know if they will make it out to see another day. The correct response? Tell me more about your feelings, or maybe you would like to talk to the surgeon? And we state facts. Plain and simple. Yeah plain and simple on the tests, but when it comes to real life, that books goes out the window. I am not a nurse yet, so false reassurance is what the world knows. I'm sure everything will be okay. You'll be fine. Now, if only it were like that. Only if we knew everything would be okay, then the reassurance wouldn't be false. It would just be reassurance, and it would be the truth.

I can say 100% false assurance feels better than no reassurance at all. Surely people know everything might not be okay, but just hearing that it might, seeing that small glimpse of hope, makes them feel a whole lot better. I think. I can kind of say that from experience. And I can know, and say I know. But I don't really know. I know that I need the facts, and in this world, the facts are buried too far down in the dirt.

Some things are not very assuring. Because the facts are plain and simple. The diagnoses are black and white. It is good or it is bad. Well sometimes at least. Its an evil world with evil lurking at the next turn. So I suppose if you are on the good side, the it is assuring. But most of us aren't. That dreaded C word I spoke about yesterday is most definitely in the grey area. Doctor says 5 months, it could be 5 years. Doctor says 5 years, it could be a long and grueling 5 months. We just don't know. But no one wants to hear that. We can't walk out of a room, and say sorry, I just don't know. Better luck next time. The outcome could either be really good or really bad, but everyone is different. And that is not false reassurance, that is just the truth.

Also a truth, God has it under control. No matter what happens. He never leaves our side, and is fighting the battle with us. His assurance is never false. His assurance is just what we need when no one else has an answer. So we give it to Him, and let Him do the work. This is His journey too. Its all just easier said than done isn't it?

Just keep a special family member in your prayers as they start a journey to regain what is rightfully their's.

Dear Diary,

My one wish for the day, week, month? To have a remote control for life. A rewind would be good, pause pretty cool, and fast forward would be pretty freakin awesome. I know we shouldn't wish our days away, and we should let go of our past, but if I could just get a little glimpse into the future, I think life would be a little easier to understand. I would fast forward it just enough, then rewind it right back to right here. However, I would know just what to do, which path to choose, and which instinct to follow. My gut and my heart are both talking over each other, so it is getting a little fuzzy. I don't know which to listen to. I finally was able to push out all of the outside voices, now I must listen really hard and make my next move. I have a great big life in front of me, and I just don't want to make the wrong choices. Of course, ill fall down every now and then, but in the end, it would all be worth it. Just need to figure out the IT.

I have had a lot going on here lately.

School is going good, I surely can't complain when I only have class one day a week. It is definitely hard to stay motivated, but I passed my first test, so fifth semester is closer than ever. It will be even closer tomorrow. I'm so thankful for this chance.

I have been working a lot lately. I try to start each day with a smile because I know I would rather be the PCA (patient care assistant) and not Pt (patient). But some days are just plain hard. But I never forget that this is just my job, and being a nurse will come faster than I know. So I am holding on tight.

A few weeks ago I blogged about a family member who was admitted to the hospital with hyponatremia (low sodium). Well God worked wonders and they are home, getting healthier by the day, and looking forward to staying out of the hospital. However, another family member was recently diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer. Yeah, that dreaded word. Cancer. It is scary just to type out. It is scary to talk about, think about, read about. Because even if you get rid of it, there is always a chance of it coming back, stronger and with more a vengeance than the time before. I just don't like the idea of it. But they are strong, stronger than I could be, and a rock to our family. They will prevail, no matter the outcome.

I sure felt like I have cried a lot lately. Maybe because I am just a crier. Maybe because my heart has just been super heavy. But I have nothing to complain about. The tragedy that occurred this past week really has taken an emotional toll on me. I know I spoke about it earlier, and I know I didn't know them personally, but I can't help but feel the emotional tornado that it has caused. I feel deeply saddened and haven't stopped praying for the people that were personally attached to this devastation. Its just that life gets put into such a perspective when accidents like this happen. And all of sudden your heart is torn. What if today was our last? Did I make the right decisions? Did I do the right thing? Did they know how much I loved them?

So that's how I have been feeling. Just drained. But I haven't stopped praying, and sooner or later the roller coaster will stop. But my chin is up, and I'm looking forward to today. Today is all we have.

Just a reminder

Never put off tomorrow what could be done today. I say it often, do it occasionally, and feel it today more than ever.

Yesterday lives were taken from my hometown in a tragic ACCIDENT. Although God has it completely under control, those here haven't quite grasped the reasons and the uncertainties are at an all time high.

So why must we now tell everyone we love them, say goodbye one more time, or call just to say hello? Because we forget how fast our lives can be taken from us. We forget our plans aren't nearly as good as God's, and His are the ones that matter most. We forget tomorrow is so far in our future, and we forget that right now is all we really have. It is all that we can grasp.

I didn't know the family personally. Sure, a smile and hey would have been exchanged, and I am positive I have met them sometime in the past. I do know some of the immediate family. However, a family is grieving harder than they have ever grieved, and that is something I have never done. I can only imagine it is the worst feeling in the entire world.

Our worlds have become entirely too cynical, stressful, and negative. But someone is fighting a greater battle. Someone's heart is heavier than yours, and someone needs a shoulder to lean on more than we could even comprehend. We are not invincible, we are imperfect people trying to carry the weight of this world on our shoulders.

I had a preacher who finished every Sunday with the simple quote, "tell someone you love them." I don't know why she said it. I can only assume it is because you may never see them again, and as irrational as that sounds, it is the simple truth. A scary truth.

I don't pretend to be a perfect person, and only write this blog as a reminder. I take so many things for granted. Simple little life things, I take for granted every single day. Right now I am not saying I will never take something for granted again, I am only saying I will do my best not to. I will hope and pray that everyone knows how much I love them, and if they don't, I hope God allows me to tell them before it is too late.

test #1.

sorry for the MIA-ness lately. test number 1 was this morning, so we all know I was having withdrawals from my blogging world as I tried to study.

also, please keep the Ezell family in your prayers. they need them more than ever.

Stuck

Not tired, although I am exhausted. Not annoyed, although I am impatient. Stuck. Like in a mud puddle. A mud puddle that is extra gooey. Extra sticky. And I am so far down,that the this shovel doesn't even make a dent. Go figure.

Does anyone see one of those booths that has directions? You know, they fold up, fit into your pocket, and fold out to make the biggest map you ever seen? I need one. Not to florida, or california, but one that just says Life, really big on the front. Ooooh, I think I see one. Hey, hey you could you please run over there and grab one for me? Yeah you! Hey, hello??? Is anyone there??

Who am I kidding? No one is listening, even though they are standing right there. Right in front of me with there back turned. So they don't see me stuck down here. They don't even hear my cries. Maybe, if I just push, push a little hard, I can almost feel my toes loosening up.

Luckily I can still see the sun shining. Which I think is a secret message saying keep your head up, and push through. The grass is surely greener on the other. I mean, anything is greener than this mud puddle I've been stuck in.

Ugh I don't even like mud. It completely changes your appearance, everything is ruined, and you're left with a big bunch of dirty old clothes that wont survive another round in the washing machine. The clothes aren't even good enough for someone else to wear. There only old and tarnished and underapprieciated.

Wait? Am I talking about clothes here? Yeah, sure I am.