Saturday, October 2, 2010

Dear Diary,

My one wish for the day, week, month? To have a remote control for life. A rewind would be good, pause pretty cool, and fast forward would be pretty freakin awesome. I know we shouldn't wish our days away, and we should let go of our past, but if I could just get a little glimpse into the future, I think life would be a little easier to understand. I would fast forward it just enough, then rewind it right back to right here. However, I would know just what to do, which path to choose, and which instinct to follow. My gut and my heart are both talking over each other, so it is getting a little fuzzy. I don't know which to listen to. I finally was able to push out all of the outside voices, now I must listen really hard and make my next move. I have a great big life in front of me, and I just don't want to make the wrong choices. Of course, ill fall down every now and then, but in the end, it would all be worth it. Just need to figure out the IT.

I have had a lot going on here lately.

School is going good, I surely can't complain when I only have class one day a week. It is definitely hard to stay motivated, but I passed my first test, so fifth semester is closer than ever. It will be even closer tomorrow. I'm so thankful for this chance.

I have been working a lot lately. I try to start each day with a smile because I know I would rather be the PCA (patient care assistant) and not Pt (patient). But some days are just plain hard. But I never forget that this is just my job, and being a nurse will come faster than I know. So I am holding on tight.

A few weeks ago I blogged about a family member who was admitted to the hospital with hyponatremia (low sodium). Well God worked wonders and they are home, getting healthier by the day, and looking forward to staying out of the hospital. However, another family member was recently diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer. Yeah, that dreaded word. Cancer. It is scary just to type out. It is scary to talk about, think about, read about. Because even if you get rid of it, there is always a chance of it coming back, stronger and with more a vengeance than the time before. I just don't like the idea of it. But they are strong, stronger than I could be, and a rock to our family. They will prevail, no matter the outcome.

I sure felt like I have cried a lot lately. Maybe because I am just a crier. Maybe because my heart has just been super heavy. But I have nothing to complain about. The tragedy that occurred this past week really has taken an emotional toll on me. I know I spoke about it earlier, and I know I didn't know them personally, but I can't help but feel the emotional tornado that it has caused. I feel deeply saddened and haven't stopped praying for the people that were personally attached to this devastation. Its just that life gets put into such a perspective when accidents like this happen. And all of sudden your heart is torn. What if today was our last? Did I make the right decisions? Did I do the right thing? Did they know how much I loved them?

So that's how I have been feeling. Just drained. But I haven't stopped praying, and sooner or later the roller coaster will stop. But my chin is up, and I'm looking forward to today. Today is all we have.

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