The Sun is Rising

"Change is never easy. You fight to hold on & you fight to let go"

I've thrown myself into so many new changes lately searching for some sort of new normal that I forget exactly what I am searching for. I run daily to de-stress & stay in shape although I hate running. I left the most amazing job ever to work Monday - Friday even though I promised myself I'd never be a normal working girl and I own the cutest house on the block that I share with my pups, although I never imagined this journey alone. So halfway through my mental breakdown a couple of weeks ago I realized how badly I wanted my old normal back. A normal that made me happy, kept me semi stress free & promised me a future that I couldn't wait to start. It was a also a normal that was taken so abruptly I still forget that it even happened. I haven't forgotten it really, I live it daily. I just often wonder why it was all taken from me. We pray for God to make these changes and to steer us onto the path that He has chosen for us, but emotionally I feel like I'm in a tornado. My devotional tells me daily to have faith, and to never lose hope,  that everything happens in God's perfect timing. I'm just unsure where I fit into any of it. We wonder how long we have to walk blind in this storm until we find that ending we are searching for. As I sit here and write this my favorite song starts to play. I think it comes on at all the right times. 

"Whatever you're facing

If your heart is breaking

There's a promise for the ones who just hold on

Lift up your eyes and see

The sun is rising."

I doubt daily. I cry often but pray continuously. Somedays are better than others and somedays down right suck. The more I push myself into something new the more every ounce of the rest of me wants to fight it. I hate change but my old normal is long gone. I just have to remind myself that something grander is on it's way and I need to thank God for all the blessings that I do have. No matter how bad our days might be, tomorrow will come and the sun will rise again. 

Good changes.

Some days I feel like I'm in over my head with this whole house thing. I saved for months but I don't think you can really prepare yourself for every expense if you're a first timer like me. Unless, of course, you have unlimited funds.... I do not. I wanted to buy a house because I needed to feel some sort of normalcy. Moving every year was getting old & I wanted to call somewhere home. I've always had a roof over my head but nowhere has felt like home since we moved from the house I grew up in. Now I have it and even still, I'm like what did I get myself into? I prayed daily throughout the whole process for God to stop it if it wasn't for me. Turns out, just the opposite happened. Long story short, one of the dogwood trees in my front yard came from a seedling transplant from a church I grew up going to (that is now closed). Although I hate so much needing the reassurance, because so much had changed, God  knew all along. He just saw my plans a little differently.

Oh I have a new job too. I loved working in CICU. I really never put much thought into anything different. My coworkers are like family, picking me up at my weakest moments. However, I prayed & God led me in a different direction. I asked that if He was going to close these doors I thought would be open for forever then I needed to know why & where He wanted me to be. The next day I was approached & I decided to run with it. I know most of us were approached for this job, but the timing was pretty spot on & I didn't want to miss this new opportunity. Fast forward a few weeks to this past week, & I officially started my new job in the cath lab. I'm still not sure why He led me in this direction but I know my nursing knowledge will expand so much. So often I hold onto what I know in fear of any change, but these new changes couldn't have come at a better time. 

Now, every morning I get to sit outside, do a little reading and hang with the pups before work. Each day I am reminded just how awesome our God really is. All the time. 

Be still

I'm not sure if I'll ever learn that I can't control things, because plans will change. I've recently started reading the devotional, Jesus Calling. I love that everyday it speaks exactly what I need to hear whether I want to hear it or not. I read it, but do I really soak in the words? Sometimes I do, and sometimes I still have a hard time trusting in those devotions. Trust has become increasingly hard lately. With each let down, it's another lost hope. It's another plan that's been broken. This house stuff is absolutely one of the most stressful things I've ever done and I chose to do it. Each day when you think you're almost to the end, something changes that we have zero control over. So many things and people and pieces of paper go into this whole process and I only know one side. I don't always trust the process but that means I don't trust in God and that makes me feel horrible. In all the chaos and life changes, He has never changed and never faulted. Today's devotional couldn't have been more on point. This life isn't scattered although I like to act like it is and the more I realize that the closer I'll be to a life of contentment with God. That's a life to love and a trust I pray for daily. I really think May is going to be a grand month and I'm looking forward to it. I hope you all are too! Happy May Day! 

San Antonio!

 I was so excited as soon as I stepped off that airplane. I couldn't get to my luggage fast enough. Seeing my brother and sister in law was just what this girl needed. We started our first night at the The Taste of the Northside, one of the many events for Fiesta. 

 Meghan and I did some shopping while Daniel worked then on Friday we went to the Battle of the Flowers parade. It is one of the largest parades in the country. 

 On Saturday we went to see the Alamo

 and were super tourists on the River Walk boat tour. 

 I found this awesome hospital on the river walk... I think I could definitely see myself working here ;)

 Casa Rio was delish, but I didn't have bad meal while I was there. 

 Sunday Funday's always include brunch, and I give Feast two thumbs up. 

 The Other Woman is a must see and a dinner and a movie in one is so cool. We need places like this in Alabama ASAP. 

 

 And of course, I had to bring a little Texas to my new home coming soon! 

I can't wait to see these two again! 

Today is the day

My mom said to set a date. Set a date to say today is the day. Today is the day that you won't look back. Everyone deserves time to grieve and be bitter and cry. Some a little longer than others, but if we make a habit out of it then we are just letting something control us that we have no control over. Now what good comes from that? Absolutely nothing. We have no control. We gave it all to God. He closed this door we thought we would have opened for forever because He has something grander in mind. I might still be impatiently waiting, but I'm sure the wait will be worth it. Is it fair, probably not. But life's not fair and that's a whole other blog entry in general. So today is my day. After today, I'm to leave my past exactly where it belongs and I'm to wake up every single day with a better mindset than the day before. Hard? Well that's an understatement. But if I keep living this woe is me life, then I'm giving all the power to someone who doesn't deserve it. Today I'm taking everything I have left and I'm leaving on a jet plane. I'm saying so long to that chapter and I'm starting a new one. Today I get to see my brother and sister in law and spend the next five days with my best friends in Texas. Of course I'll be back, but not back where everything went so wrong. I'll be back and then I'll be closing on my very own home and I'll get to start a new chapter... a chapter with blank pages with a fresh new book smell, that's a smell to love. Or maybe it's the smell of a brand new home. Either way, today is the day to never look back, because it only brings me down. Today is for me and I couldn't be more excited to see where it takes me. So long Alabama. I'll see ya soon.

Weekend Snaps

After work Friday, I grabbed dinner and drinks with one of the best. Seriously, you can never go wrong with some mexican food. 

 I haven't spent this much time at the baseball park in years. It was nice to do a little reminiscing. I watched my nephew on Saturday  

 and Sunday headed to Tuscaloosa to cheer for the competition. 

 I don't mind cheering for Auburn when this guy is playing. War Eagle is still a little tough so we just stick to War Connor. 

Hope everyone had a great weekend. This week starts my super SUPER busy two weeks and I am so looking forward to it. Texas and a closing coming up! 

That's how the saying goes

When one door closes, another one opens.

That's how the saying goes anyways. What happens when we lose the key...when the plans change, because they do without fair warning, where do even look to find it? We pray and we ask, we might even scream. Why in the world would You close that door? Because He knew I never would. I need an answer for everything. It's how I learn. It's how I move on, how I become a better nurse... It's just what I need. The fear of the unknown is a real thing. Especially for this girl. I'm a literal person. That grey area people tend to live in isn't for me. My brain rarely shuts off and too much could be left for confusion. That's a definite fault. I have those too. So when one door closes another door will open. It's only a matter of when and if you have enough faith to trust in His timing. See, a few days ago I asked...I said, God why would you close that door? Simple as that. My answer wasn't something I had been looking for. I decided to pursue it because I knew if that was a new door opening then I wouldn't turn my back on what God was trying to show me. Not this time. I have so many times before, maybe a lot of us have. Throughout this whole house buying thing, I've asked God if this is the path He was leading me down. I know that if it wasn't He would stop it at any point because there would be something so much better. Why I can't trust in His timing for other things, I'm not so sure...but I am learning. Right now, a new door has opened and I'm anxious and I'm excited to see where it might lead me. The hardest part in all of this is trusting Him everyday, not just on the good ones. Like I said, I have faults and I'm by no means perfect. Everyday is an inner struggle searching for those answers. But each day that I give it to God, I'm reminded that life will go on & I better be ready.

Because facebook says so...

Today is "National Siblings Day." I'm not sure where they come up with these things but some are pretty fun to play along with. I love my brothers and sisters and couldn't be more thankful for them. Good days and bad, they are pushing me right along. I wouldn't have made this far without them. 

New day. New do.

My sister in law's sweet sister gave me a new do. Seriously, I lost inches and I feel like a new lady. I love the whole ombré look but I've been terrified to try it, so Ariel went with a toned down version to ease me into it. It's hard to tell from pictures but I think it turned out great. If you're in the area, check her out. It's amazing what a new haircut can do for a girl. 

New day. New do. New me.

Before & After. 

Letting it go.

God teaches us to give Him our burdens. We are told to let go and let God. I think it's easier said than done. We are also taught our whole lives to fight for what we believe in, stand up for what we feel in our heart to be the truth. This is where it gets tricky. Do we fight, or do we let it go? If we do let it go, how in the world do we even do that? That is something that I have been struggling with lately. Letting it go... not fighting and giving it all to God. Fighting for what you love when you're the only one fighting is a tough battle, a battle that will most likely not end in your favor. Maybe it doesn't end the way we have it planned because it's not in God's plans. His plans are far greater, although my patience level tends to steer towards doing it all myself. I've been following along with another blogger in her "I'm ok, 30 days to becoming content where you are." She has some wonderful advice and lots of scriptures that have helped in these trying times. 

She writes, "The truth is majority of the time we just want God to magically fix everything without having to endure the refining process... But, where is His glory revealed in that? First of all, we’re not worthy of that and second, I take comfort in knowing He disciplines those He loves. In the discipline we find ourselves curled up at His feet, feeding on His every truth."

Especially here lately I feel that I have had no answers and it's a constant battle that I'm not so sure I can withstand. God sees it totally different. One of my best friends sent me a quote, "When you are down to nothing, God is up to something." Everyday I cling to those words. Everyday I pray that today will be a new day for me to find comfort in His plans, because mine are no good anyways. I'm not alone in my fight because today I will give it to God to fight it for me.

Click on the link below to follow along with her. You won't be disappointed. 

"Here's the truth about big life changes..."

I'm a quotes kinda girl. One liners to live by. (Or sometimes more than one) Most of the time it's way easier said than done and being on the receiving end is for the birds. However, when times hit the hardest your troops really do rally with you. I couldn't be more grateful for mine and all the nonsense they've put up with. Each day I find myself with another word of encouragement and although I wish it were different, it really does help. I keep saying through all of this that it's just not fair. But life isn't fair, and it never will be. I really do have so much to look forward to and I try daily to remember that. If anyone needs a good quote for the day maybe one of these will do. They've either been sent to me or I've found them on Pinterest. I would take total claim but I can't. Happy Friday world.

I'm on my way

I am fairly certain hopping on a plane to Texas to visit my brother and sister in law isn't my smartest financial move the week before closing, but somethings are just needed. I CAN NOT WAIT. 20 days and counting. 

Every little thing will be alright

I started blogging again because I wanted to blog about the exciting changes that were happening in my life. I have a job that I love, I'm closing on my very own home in less than a month now, and I was sharing my life with someone who I love dearly.... But I also have always kept this blog like a diary. Did I expect to ever be writing like this again? Absolutely not. For me, writing is therapy. So I can't apologize if sometimes this blog is like a Debbie downer. Although I try to see the positive in every situation, sometimes I just need to let it out....

I'm never good with change. I don't think I can blog about it enough. I think heartache is like having your tonsils out. The older you are, the harder the aftermath. Maybe it's the thought of starting over, again. Maybe it's the reality that I'm not living the plans I imagined. I steered off that course along time ago. Through each situation I try to not do anything out of spite and I never have wanted to feel empowered over someone. Making myself feel better isn't a priority I strive to receive. Maybe I should, but it's just never been how I deal with situations. I am, however, sometimes too nice and give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I see the good. Right now some would say I have it all, but I beg to differ. I try daily to remember that His plan is greater but my heart is bruised. At 18, if you asked how my life would be at 27 this wouldn't have been it. I, again, don't make those plans. I only follow them, sometimes screaming and fighting. I've been given the answers I so desperately crave and I am still having the hardest time putting one foot in front of the other. Do I realize that many others have it way worse than I? Of course. But today, these are my struggles, and they are very real. Growing up I never wanted to feel like I needed someone to help me through life. Do I love companionship and having someone there, of course. I love the idea of sharing my life with someone, married or not. However, right now I'm having to learn just the opposite. I thought I was starting a new chapter with someone. Plans change and people do too. I can't live with the idea of not starting this chapter because I'm no longer sharing it with someone. I can't halt my life because someone halted theirs. I pray every single day for the right decisions. Right now I'm hating the answers, I really am. However, I know that I need to figure this journey out by myself. I can start a chapter without the rock I so desperately loved, because that rock crumbled. Luckily for me, my God's rock will never fault me. I may not see His plans because my eyes are a little teary, but I will try living it. Every single day. 

On a positive note

I am getting really good at this signature thing. After two weeks of a standstill I am ONE month away from closing. Whoop Whoop. 

Keep your head up, they said. You'll be fine, they said.

As a nurse we have an answer to every question. If we don't, we know someone who does. There is almost always a solution to every problem. As a critical care nurse we have a lot of control. We are respected, loved and trusted by the majority of our physicians. We aren't always sticking our fingers in places they don't belong. (TMI?) We make decisions based on our own judgement that could make the slightest change. We are critical thinkers, we are doers and we are givers. Sometimes all in one day. Not all of us are lucky enough to be able to separate our lives from work. I try to fix every problem. I don't always have control, because giving it up can be relaxing at times. I'm a caregiver through and through. So, when we can't fix a problem, what in the world are we supposed to do? When our help is too much to bear, and we are no longer that shoulder to lean on, it takes you off guard. Stepping away from the problems just isn't what we are taught. We need reasons, and most importantly we need the answers. We need the whys and the what happens and when did that start? But our loved ones aren't our patients. They hate nursing just as much as the next person. We aren't fixing this one and prying is only making that hole bigger. Stepping away is nearly impossible. It's confusing to say the least and trying to find a new normal away from it all is defeating. Sometimes life throws you a curveball so far out of left field that leaves you stunned. I was never a good hitter. My Dad always said I took my eyes off the ball and dropped my shoulders. Maybe I dropped the ball on this one too. See, earlier I said we ALMOST always could find the solution to every problem. The scariest thing in the world is when they tell you there's no answer, because that just mean it's the end. That's a scary normal that I wasn't ready to face, but we don't make our plans. We pray that whatever happens is the best and we take the paths that are chosen for us. The greatest physician of them all always has the answers. He never let's us stray too far and reminds us daily that everything will be just fine. 

Loving the brokenhearted

It's so easy to knock people when they're down. We kick them while it hurts, and all too often we just aren't aware of their inner battles. I'm sure I've written about this before. But it's a new day, a new time and I'm just not sure my role in any of it. Like I said, it is easy to complain or nag but it's not for us to judge. We are here to love and encourage. Maybe even steer a little, whatever the case may be. Everyone has made mistakes & everyone has their moments when they're stuck. I've been stuck many of times. I've blogged about the majority of them. Nursing school, moving, relationships, friendships, everything.  Then once in a blue moon we are on the other side of that rut. How we handle these things isn't how everyone else handles things, what we do just isn't made for anyone. I'm a crier. Sometimes retail therapy works, writing, and lots of alone time does the trick. Some things we will never rid ourselves of because of our decisions. Those consequences, well they like to follow us around. It's how we deal with them that makes us the people we become. This time it's not about me. Loving the brokenhearted isn't easy, but in the end it's the best option we have. They may push and they may pull but I think that's when they need us more than ever. We might not have the right words to say or ideas to help them heal, but we have love. We know we can pull them in tight, literally or figuratively, and we can pray that whatever happens will be the best for them. We can love them wholeheartedly. We can expect nothing in return, only that their heart is healed. Sometimes I can be a bit selfish, but this isn't about my needs or my wants. It's about those we love the most.

pinterest

Weekend Snaps

We celebrated this handsome fella's THIRD birthday. Batman, of course. 

 SISTERS.

 My favorite family of FIVE. All Batman-ed out. 

 RA only smiled once it was presents time. She was the designated present holder. 

 Not everyone wanted to be in the spotlight. 

 And this one only stood still at the very end. 

 And a late night dinner and drinks with a best friend. She should stay here for forever. 

Then one little inspector can put a big fat detour on the cutest little house around and halt ALL plans of moving. Whatever will happen will happen. Hope everyone had a wonderful weekend. HAPPY MONDAY. 

2014 in a nutshell post

New Years in Atlanta came and went. Girls days are always grand, and all of Mrs. Meghan's parties were so much fun. Nashville for the bachelorette party was a BLAST, and celebrating my twenty seventh
birthday more than once made me realize just how lucky I am. A quick trip up north for my boyfriend's birthday, with a pit stop in Chicago (thanks fog) was just what we needed. I've celebrated a great friend's second child, and a childhood friend's beautiful wedding. Then we topped it off with the wedding of the year and things are only looking up. 2014 might just be the best year of them all...

I'm moving too

If all goes as planned, I will be closing on my very own home the end of April. While I am so excited, and terribly anxious, I am definitely looking forward to decorating and making this place home for good. 

Of course, I've been pinning away and have so many ideas thanks to Pinterest! 

all images courtesy of pinterest. 

So Long Alabama

My best friend is leaving me. Really, he is just moving a few states to the west but it feels like they're moving across the world. In 2 short weeks, they're packing up and starting a brand new journey as husband and wife, not in Alabama. Most of it hasn't sunk in. We aren't in denial, we just aren't wishing our days away. See, both the bride and groom are super close with their families. That groom is my brother & we talk daily. All of us are annoyingly close. Most just don't understand. We talk to our parents daily & siblings constantly. It's just who we are. Bride and groom alike. To say they'll be missed is an understatement. To say I haven't shed many tears would be a lie. Their wedding was one for the record books. They are both loved beyond words and are two of the most gracious people you'd ever meet. They give, they listen & they love... wholeheartedly & do so with open minds and hearts, never expecting anything in return. My brother is one of my best friends. We fight, only when he uses forks on my non stick pans & we always confide in one another over life's greatest challenges. The ease of lunch & dinner dates will now be FaceTime & texts dates but I know their move is one of the greatest & happiest decisions they've made thus far. My going to be missing them is purely selfishness, because deep down we all couldn't be happier for their new journey. God is leading them on a brand new adventure that few ever try. They are starting their future on a clean slate in a brand new city paving their own path. So, while my tears might be of sadness, my heart couldn't be happier for my new sister in law and brother. Their future is looking brighter than ever.