all we have to do is believe.

Everything happens for a reason.
All we have to do is believe.
Sometimes that just doesn't feel like enough.

Although we may question and always wonder, whatever is going to happen will happen.

I question.
Its only normal.
We wonder what led us here.
Or not so much what led us, but why we were led in this direction.
I know what.
I talk about it all the time.
It was those choices, the ones I made.

But why?
I seem to always need an answer.
For everything. Whether I like it or not. It is that over analyzer thing going on.
I either need an answer, or I will figure out one on my own.
That's why I like google so much.
It seriously has an answer for everything. Well, almost everything.
The big important questions I can't ever seem to find on google, or bing, or yahoo.  
And let's be clear, I am very partial to google. Those are just the other websites for anyone else who might use them instead.
So I have to search a little deeper.

Why?

I don't want to question, but I do.

I don't have every answer to that question.  However, I am coming to a new chapter in my life.One that several friends have already begun.One that doesn't involve class, late night study parties, and too many red bulls.No, it involves the real world.The life after the madness, or maybe that is when the real madness begins.No one really knows for sure.Google sure doesn't have that answer.Let's be honest, I just knew I would be settled down at this point. And by settled, we are talking settled, close to a future with someone else.Let's be even more honest, that is nowhere in sight.Of course, I know what happened.I even know some of the why. But the big picture, I still questioned. Until the other day. I am going to be a little corny. I always knew, or thought that I knew that  my brothers and sister and I would have children and a family around the same age. You know, so they could all grow up with one another.I love the bond of close families.I think it is one of the most special things EVER. It makes me happy. I always dreamed that is how my life would play out. Well, like mentioned earlier, I am nowhere near that stage in my life.So the niece and nephews might help raising my littles one day. That is okay too.I know we still be as close as we are.But what is even better? The bond I have with some very special little ones. It is a bond I talk about very much, because no one could ever put into words how it makes me feel. I know that if I were to be settled down, or in a different place right this moment, that bond would not be nearly as close.I am thankful to still be just a college student, and just a part time worker. I can see them whenever I want. And I do.Because I love playing in tents, and running from the monsters, and watching Cinderella 3 days in a row. I promise you, I wouldn't trade it for the world.

So I don't need an answer.
I don't need to know why.
My why is pretty clear these days.

closing the chapter.

I wrote a few months back about some questions that weighed heavily on my heart. Here is most of that entry...


When is it time to throw in the towel?
When do you finally say, okay this is enough, I am finished?
When you walk away, never look back, and move on?

See, I think I am a pretty good giver of advice, but you know they always say, "it's easier said than done." So thank you to whoever said that, I suppose you just wanted to make life a little bit more difficult. So here I am, unable to follow through with my own advice, because I just don't know. It is that plain and simple. What to do? What to do? I have worked so hard for something, have recieved little in return, but some part of me can't throw in the towel. Why? Because life isn't that simple. Sure I am young, have tons of life to live, but I just don't know that for sure. I only have today. Shouldn't that make this all more simple? Why heck no. But more difficult? WELL YES. Because I am so scared of the unknown. Like, TERRIFIED.

I have no idea why. I could blame my past, my choices, my present, or anything for that matter. But there is no one to blame but myself. For not following through with what I believe, and losing myself, who I am deep down, in the process. Now that is pretty simple to follow. I have held on for so long that I can't remember why I chose that the first time. So when is time to throw in that towel? I still need an answer.

I think we are scared to make decisions because we don't know what our future holds. What if that was the best. What if we don't find anything like it ever again, and what if we lose it all? Now that, I am afraid of. That is something my heart just can't grasp, and that is why it is so hard to throw in this worn out towel.

The one thing I do know, is that I hate to question things. I just feel like if you question your decisions, then maybe they aren't the best ones for you. You should just know. Don't people just know? Or is that just in the movies? Surely not, surely when something is right, you just know. Whole heartedly its all you can think about, its the best decision, and it just feels best? Surely there are still those moments out there. I am a believer.

Yesterday, I threw in the towel. It was time. Ill try and not let my emotions get the best of me, and WILL NOT blog about it over and over again. So right now I will give you this one post. It was the best decision for me right now. The best decision for me today. After all of the things that I have seen happen to people close to me in the recent weeks, today is what matters most. i say that a lot, but mean it deeply.

Throwing in the towel...

When is it time to throw in the towel?
When do you finally say, okay this is enough, I am finished?
When you walk away, never look back, and move on?

See, I think I am a pretty good giver of advice, but you know they always say, "it's easier said than done." So thank you to whoever said that, I suppose you just wanted to make life a little bit more difficult. So here I am, unable to follow through with my own advice, because I just don't know. It is that plain and simple. What to do? What to do? I have worked so hard for something, have recieved little in return, but some part of me can't throw in the towel. Why? Because life isn't that simple. Sure I am young, have tons of life to live, but I just don't know that for sure. I only have today. Shouldn't that make this all more simple? Why heck no. But more difficult? WELL YES. Because I am so scared of the unknown. Like, TERRIFIED.

I have no idea why. I could blame my past, my choices, my present, or anything for that matter. But there is no one to blame but myself. For not following through with what I believe, and losing myself, who I am deep down, in the process. Now that is pretty simple to follow. I have held on for so long that I can't remember why I chose that the first time. So when is time to throw in that towel? I still need an answer.

I think we are scared to make decisions because we don't know what our future holds. What if that was the best. What if we don't find anything like it ever again, and what if we lose it all? Now that, I am afraid of. That is something my heart just can't grasp, and that is why it is so hard to throw in this worn out towel.

The one thing I do know, is that I hate to question things. I just feel like if you question your decisions, then maybe they aren't the best ones for you. You should just know. Don't people just know? Or is that just in the movies? Surely not, surely when something is right, you just know. Whole heartedly its all you can think about, its the best decision, and it just feels best? Surely there are still those moments out there. I am a believer.

So is it time? I am not there yet. I can't ask who I need to ask for fear of losing it all, so I must only ask myself. I guess I am the only one who gets this all anyways. Its a constant, draining, push and pull kind of conflict, and I am all but ready to throw in the towel.

But at this point I think I might just lay it down, turn out the lights, and slowly walk away. I'm pretty worn out.